Thursday, December 29, 2005

potter.

sooo tonight i totally saw biblical archetypes in harry potter.

ok now its tomorrow and i honestly JUST realized ive never fucking read the book. i havent even seen the movies.

i hate myself.

12 Comments

(ps... this post only really makes sense if you read the comments.)

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

thong.

hey i just thought i should let you guys know that im wearing a thong today. is that weird?

4 Comments

Monday, December 26, 2005

justice.

id like to think she is flawless... but what can she do with this? my only love is impotent... and i am horribly unsatisfied.

4 Comments

fuck.

so earlier today i found out that chris cheethams older brother nate shot and killed their mom and then went to adam prices house and shot and killed adam, the dogs, adams mom, and chris burro who i guess was there hanging out with adam at the time.

im wierded out... i thought nate was an ok fellow. i mean always in trouble with the law and stuff... but then again so am i. and at first i didnt really believe it cuz i thought this had supposedly happened awhile ago and i was like... "no way. adams not dead... i just saw him a couple nights ago." but yeh... i was over there four nights ago and i suppose a couple days afterwards this all happened.

wierd... i just saw adam and his mom and said i liked their new house and stuff and then two days later theyre both murdered. fuck.

(ratatat - cherry.)

4 Comments

Friday, December 16, 2005

grrr.

happy ashkan interupted. so my car is dead, jumping it didnt work, hamas won the palestinian elections, and my penis is really small. im officially angry.

im going to go eat sushi until i puke.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

happier.

done with finals. new bike ready. power back on. snow everywhere. iraq voted. andre graduated. house done. pookie coming. tomtom party tomorrow. ratatat playing in the background. ashkan euphoric.

Friday, December 9, 2005

happy.

AHHHHH! dude, ok. so i totally just sauced, like probably got a hundredddd million on my public choice final. so after i finish, i walk up and plop my test sur le table and my professor goes "you like coffee?" and so i go "yeh!" he then reaches down under the table and pulls out one of those big gallon starbucks coffee things full of coffee. he pushes across the table to me and goes "remember when i signed you into this class and you promised not to be trouble? well you are trouble." so i go, "thanks. happy easter!" and walk out.

upon leaving, i immediately call andre to tell him that i just got a fucking gallon of free coffee, (totally expecting him to be like "really?! im coming to cville!") when i see john ruscher walking from our house to the library. so i give him some coffee and walk with him. i get into the library which was/is packkked because of finals week. i put the coffee on a table, grab a marker, and make a sign that says "free coffee, courtesy of capitalism." and then in smaller letters underneath, "with the potential to generate enough wealth for us all to give eachother coffee." and then immediately ran out. (with the coffee. .........just kidding.)

ok, so heres whats funny. for you economically inclined kids, public choice is basically using economic analysis (freeriding, shirking, public goods) to explain governemental behavior. our professor, as a joke sort of thing, was like "ok so ill bet you guys refreshments during the final exam that the shirking/freeriding problem will make it so less than 2/3 of you do the course evalutaions even though im offering a public good as an incentive." we beat him by one.

now heres the kicker. (what the hell is a kicker?) im totally one of the people who didnt do the course evaluations. im a freerider! WAHHH! so basically heres what just happened... i just used one of the biggest market failures ever to turn around and immediately shamelessly promote my radically free market philosophy. ARGH! now this all leads me to two conclusions...

one... i am fucking sweet.

two... life is fucking sweet.

and three... any philosophy where even its biggest failures can be used to shamelessy promote itself is fucking sweet. maybe even sweeeter than me! (but probably not.)

and four... oh, come on! did you really think i was going to stick to two?!

oh and FIVE... life is FUCKING AWESOME. WOOOOO! SPRING BREAK '88! SUCK IT! AHHHHH! (vomit everywhere.)

4 Comments

Thursday, December 8, 2005

agh.

ok, everyone stop dying. IMMEDIATELY!

<3, -$

advise.

but its not my place. so i wont. i knew it then. i suppose i must know it now. ugly gooeys become pretty butterflies someday, dont they? i suppose not.

skirt truth, skirt skirt.

you look uglier every day.

(elliot smith - pictures of me, elliott smith - angeles.)

Sunday, December 4, 2005

Thursday, November 17, 2005

cold.

can someone come pick me up from the library? its very cold out and im only wearing my olive drab sweater. olive drab is gross. go fuck yourself.

4 Comments

Monday, November 14, 2005

dreday.

oh my godd.d...d... ok noramlly i dont use the word because its silly, but oh man i am fucking losing it. this is going down in history forever, like our grandkids will hear about this. so i totally just used andres undying awesomeness to pull the meanest prank on him ever. so heres some background. so theres this girl i like, susan. now obviously, if i like someone... who would know? clearly that ivory tower liberal of a friend. so andre and company come to my party and get wastededness and its fucking fun as poop. then around 2 i wind up passed out in my room and i completely guess whats going on the whole time, sparking me to speak with a compatriot about it, and totally predicted the following. so whats the following? andre comes in the room looking really serious at like 3 and is like (ok switch to easy to read converstion script syle.)

andre: dude, ashkan can you come outside? i have to talk with you.
(and so immediately im like ... oh shit. i know what happened. and this asshole is too nice to just wait til morning.)
$mashkan: yeh dude i know... andre i sweriously i really dont care. do have to get up?
andre: nonono... you really have to come talk. this is important.
$mashkan: dude no honestly i really dont care and im really comfortable. go to bed.
andre: no come here.
$mashkan: (angry beginning of hangover grown. stumbles over to dre in doorway of living room.)
andre: dude i have to- (looks behind him at james pat and laura) guys can you go upstairs for a second?
james: (laughs.)
andre: okokok come here. ashkan... (pulls me into kitchen.) i have bad news and i dont want you to be mad at me. (andre begins to break the news really seriously and apologetically.)
$mashkan: (burtsts out laughing and cuts off andre.) andre, oh my god shut the fuck up. i cant believe you pulled me out of bed to tell me this. didnt you understand i was trying to tell you i know. i pretty much figured. all i wanted was for you to let me sleep. you asshole.
andre: (drunkenly bursts out laughing.) oh my god... really? i hate you. ahhhh. (laughs)
$mashkan: ok, dick. im going to bed.

sleep. so then the next day we eat and play mario tennis and have fun and stuff with all the old homeslices. then next day is court and i get out of jail and shit and call andre because im halfway to richmond already for court. andre at work. (sad ashkan.) and just now... the most hilarious moment ever...

smashkanthegreat (12:59:59 AM): (sad face.)
andre1771 (1:00:15 AM): why so sad?
smashkanthegreat (1:03:40 AM): YOURE THERE!
smashkanthegreat (1:03:44 AM): HOLY SHIT.
andre1771 (1:03:47 AM): talk to me man
smashkanthegreat (1:03:50 AM): it says away!
andre1771 (1:03:57 AM): i know, i'm sneaky
andre1771 (1:04:07 AM): the battlestation, is here
smashkanthegreat (1:04:26 AM): i totally assumed that was an away message and saw a response but put it behind something for no good reason.
smashkanthegreat (1:04:37 AM): actually im really upset with you about things.
andre1771 (1:04:44 AM): i know...
smashkanthegreat (1:04:46 AM): im so upset. with you.
smashkanthegreat (1:04:52 AM): no man... you really hurt me.
smashkanthegreat (1:05:02 AM): im like... all torn up and stuff.
andre1771 (1:05:21 AM): are you being serious?
smashkanthegreat (1:05:44 AM): i cant even believe you would think i was joking, andre!
smashkanthegreat (1:05:50 AM): HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
smashkanthegreat (1:06:13 AM): (caps to indicate YELLING.)
smashkanthegreat (1:06:26 AM): are you going to respond or jhust ruin MY WHOLE LIFE?!
andre1771 (1:06:52 AM): yes
andre1771 (1:06:54 AM): im going to respond
andre1771 (1:06:57 AM): im truly sorry
smashkanthegreat (1:07:05 AM): yeh i sure hope so.
andre1771 (1:07:17 AM): it shouldnt have happened
smashkanthegreat (1:07:22 AM): you and your fucking smug smile.
smashkanthegreat (1:07:29 AM): you think i didnt know what was going on?!
smashkanthegreat (1:07:35 AM): you acting all happy and confident.
smashkanthegreat (1:07:48 AM): this has been going on behind my back for so long now, hasnt it?
andre1771 (1:08:01 AM): ?
andre1771 (1:08:41 AM): no, it hasnt been going on at all
smashkanthegreat (1:08:55 AM): sure.
smashkanthegreat (1:09:02 AM): actions speak louder than words, you know.
andre1771 (1:09:03 AM): are you serious?
andre1771 (1:09:13 AM): you think this has been going on??
andre1771 (1:09:45 AM): so im going to be brutally honest
smashkanthegreat (1:09:45 AM): hold on.
andre1771 (1:10:09 AM): i dont really know what to think
andre1771 (1:10:18 AM): i felt slightly smug
andre1771 (1:10:34 AM): and thoroughly disappointed with myself at the same time
andre1771 (1:10:39 AM): you idealize girls
smashkanthegreat (1:11:17 AM): yeh you did.
andre1771 (1:11:17 AM): and so i can never assume i know your true feelings for any one of them
smashkanthegreat (1:11:19 AM): i could tell.
smashkanthegreat (1:11:29 AM): i acted all cool because i didnt want to look hurt in front of judith.
andre1771 (1:11:33 AM): yet, at the same time i think i knew you really liked susan
andre1771 (1:11:53 AM): but didnt admit it to myself
andre1771 (1:11:58 AM): because i was drunk, and she was liking me
andre1771 (1:12:08 AM): and it felt good
smashkanthegreat (1:12:27 AM): wait... susan?
andre1771 (1:12:39 AM): ?
andre1771 (1:13:01 AM): ??
smashkanthegreat (1:13:11 AM): oh that?!
andre1771 (1:13:20 AM): what the fuck are you talking about
smashkanthegreat (1:13:30 AM): HAHAHA... no dude! mario tennis!!!! YOU FUCKING IDIOT!
andre1771 (1:13:38 AM): ASHKAN!!@@!#!@!!!!!
smashkanthegreat (1:13:47 AM): no dude i was pissed because you beat me!
smashkanthegreat (1:13:51 AM): TWICE!
smashkanthegreat (1:13:59 AM): and then just looked all smug and happy afterwards... youve totally been practicing behind my back!
andre1771 (1:14:19 AM): your more of a dick than i am
smashkanthegreat (1:14:29 AM): hahahahahahaha. call me now.
smashkanthegreat (1:14:33 AM): call me!
andre1771 returned at 1:27:37 AM.
andre1771 is away at 1:42:54 AM.

funniest aim conversation ever, after which the most hilarious phone conversation ever ensued. about me cracking up and how i was now having to apologize to him and the double edged irony of it all. then about how funny we were and how much i loved him (every occurence of which promptly followed by, "you faggot.")

then we totally hatched a plan to play the biggest joke ever on all of you by posting only the joke part of the conversation and us completely pretending we were mad at eachother for like a few weeks (laughing together in secret) and just letting ridiculous rumours about us float. of course we would totally have to speed the spread along by acting angry with eachother at parties. (dirty looks. avoiding and not speaking directly very obviously.) upon which we realized there was no way in hell we could convincingly act like that for any real length of time. and sauced.

andre1771 returned at 1:27:37 AM.
andre1771 is away at 1:42:54 AM.
smashkanthegreat (1:51:46 AM): dude im changing her name. ingenious right?
smashkanthegreat (1:51:50 AM): she cant get mad at me.
andre1771 (1:52:03 AM): haha
andre1771 (1:52:23 AM): its pretty obvious though, isnt it?
andre1771 (1:52:39 AM): i guess that just makes it funnier
andre1771 (2:07:05 AM): hey fuck face, you done yet?
smashkanthegreat (2:09:51 AM): nonono
smashkanthegreat (2:09:53 AM): im sorry
andre1771 (2:09:59 AM): you should be
smashkanthegreat (2:10:12 AM): why am i apologizing to you? shitface. im trying to be really careful because i realized just now how much juicy stuff.
andre1771 (2:10:23 AM): hahaha
smashkanthegreat (2:10:27 AM): totally wierd for third parties.
smashkanthegreat (2:10:39 AM): man... secrets are for weird ass people.
andre1771 (2:11:08 AM): i know, i just realized the juicyness of it all
smashkanthegreat (2:11:15 AM): go listen to combat baby.
smashkanthegreat (2:11:20 AM): its so great. im thinking of it and giving you tons of big booses.
andre1771 (2:11:25 AM): and forgot for a moment that there are other people in the world with feelings
smashkanthegreat (2:11:29 AM): hahahahahahhahaha
smashkanthegreat (2:11:37 AM): shut up. your making me feel like an asshole.
andre1771 (2:11:43 AM): you are an asshole
andre1771 (2:11:44 AM): haha
smashkanthegreat (2:11:49 AM): oh man i could hug you.
smashkanthegreat (2:11:54 AM): (fucking faggot.)
andre1771 (2:11:59 AM): hahahahah....
andre1771 (2:12:17 AM): this is all too hilarious
smashkanthegreat (2:12:18 AM): alright give me a feew more minutes.
smashkanthegreat (2:12:30 AM): or go to bed and look tomorrow. itll be like christmas.
andre1771 (2:12:47 AM): i cant wait for christmas
smashkanthegreat (2:13:12 AM): which we will probably spend together. remember when we were little? and all were too smart for that santa bullshit and so we just opened our gifts at like 12:01am?
andre1771 (2:13:16 AM): itd be pretty funny if all of this went up
andre1771 (2:13:30 AM): of course
smashkanthegreat (2:13:40 AM): its too bad we cant do that ever again because YOU RUINED IT.
andre1771 (2:13:50 AM): our parents didnt even try convince us otherwise
andre1771 (2:14:09 AM): i ruined it?
smashkanthegreat (2:14:15 AM): yeh. by BETRAYING ME.
andre1771 (2:14:19 AM): you faggot

there has never been a greater friendship. seriously. even if he is a total faggot and even if he still cant beat me in real tennis. (smug because of mario tennis... you fucking faggot... no, im really upset about the tennis thing though...)

(and in case you dont know us well, we have actually gotten mad at eachother once in life. once. guess what it was? i kicked andres ass in playstation - blast chamber. he got mad and knocked the controller out of my hand and stomped off. after which he was promptly made fun of. then we went skating.)

andre weldy. fucking animal. (and the best friend ever.)

(songs whilst writing? metric - combat baby, bloc party - banquet, annie - heartbeat, hothotheat - no not now, bloc party - this modern love, vcr - we are vcr... on repeat.)

4 Comments

damn.

woahhh... 24 blog views in a day and its only 1:30. somebody probably accidently jammed the mouse button on reload. worried about jail? NO JAIL! the state just stole some money. a bribe if you will. (to use the proper terms, a fine as a result of a plea bargain.)

fuck i love my friends. FUCK I LOVE YOU. feel my heartbeat. and my cock. no? too much, too fast? ok, fine... just my heartbeat for now. this song makes me. sad. happy. sadhappy. or is it happysad? where the hell did i even get all this awesome music?

shit dude. so heres a new emotional state. bipolar bounces between pertpetual disconnect from reality with warm and gooey euphoria flooded with nostalgic memories that make me feel lonely and miss stuff and returns to reality with the realization ill be looking back on the present with just as much nostalgic glory and admiration for all of this... this being "fucking awesomeness."

second feeling increasing at a decreasing rate. (first derivative > 0, second derivative < 0.)

a fucking awesome house in cville, a fucking awesome house in nova, a fucking awesome school/city/hopes for the future. fucking awesome parties every weekend, fucking awesome trips to new cities every weekend, a fucking awesome crew with whom to combat tyranny and learn a shitload, and a fucking awesome cat named lenin. sigh. lenin lenin lenin. what a fucking cutie. now theres the type that warrants a fuck on the first date.

and thats just now. what of the prospects? numerous and bright. just have to avoid car crashes and shootings. knowing me, knowing conflict... note to self: under violent conditions, be CAREFUL!

i wish every weekend. could be. more like me.

next weekend, you say? tons of old friends converging on the bumfuck county that tried to imprison me? sounds like more fucking awesomeness.

(song whilst writing? annie - heartbeat, metric - combat baby.)

Sunday, November 13, 2005

neutralize.

i mean come on, why wouldnt i?

so that was fun...

weekend in la learning how the last four generations of my family has had everything siezed by governments. (bombs in lebanon. islam in iran, twice. communism in russia.) week of classes. weekend swinging on my door while listenening to banquet with a shitload of friends. weekdays alternating between classes and courtrooms avoiding imprisonment. weekend imprisonment. weekdays alternating between classes and revolution. weekend partying at lake lousia. (same location as jail! coincidence?) weekdays winning revolution. always fucking surrounded by friends. fucking. surrounded. always.

and about that jail thing... ive eluded the state after a year of dealing, teaching myself to drive at 12, getting away from like 5 cops while driving at 12, beachside atv chases for mortars, helicopter chases for molotov cocktails, countless curfew searches and siezures, shooting mortar fireworks at cops harassing teens, and pranks on the cops that used to surveille my house... i think the state deserves (i use the term loosely) at least a little something something. its unfortuanate it will only be 20 over, 85 in 65. (ive always thought the credit card fraud and theft was much more creative.) but they will have to work with/for what they can get/steal. and i shall work with what i can get/create. wealth created is infinitely greater than wealth obtained by theft. and i dont mean money. so tomorrow i go to court. maybe some jail. ill let you know. i see it as training. so fuck them. (the victor in all conflicts shall be he who posseses a greater command of the truth and all its glory.)

dear life,
slow the fuck down.
love, $
p.s. and more andre please. the man and the drink.

dear ashkan,
ok, but first you have to suck my big fat cock.
love, life

dear life,
ok. i love a hot cock in my mouth.
love, $
p.s. shit in my ass. ooohhh yehhh.

dude. i need a vacation. or do i? zing. oh and i put my revolution picture up. you know... the one i lead with a watergun... its only fitting, right?

i think i may sleep with banquet on repeat tonight.

(song whilst writing? bloc party - banquet, bloc party - this modern love, hot hot heat - no, not now.)

4 Comments

Saturday, November 5, 2005

la.

woahhhhhhh. im in la. in an ipod store. i want a 60gb ipod video. fuck shit fuck AGH! party at my house on the 12th. be there or be fucked. er--- square. ok, no. fucked.

4 Comments

Tuesday, November 1, 2005

hmmm.

grrr. hey, can i start over?

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

i suppose we all have our fuck ups. too bad mine was thinking hot lava was orange soda. now im all burnt up!

ashkan is worried. and sucking. and worried. and... oh look! a unicorn!

4 Comments

Sunday, October 23, 2005

fridge.

so yeh... you might be wondering why im not in jail if i got sentenced to some hot days in prison. welllll i appealed it. sorry... no sitcom... well maybe... we shall see how the appeal goes. holyyy shit. so after court and stat test, sai came to see uva and woah. WOAH> ! exclamrjtlmation. spelled horribly wrong. so here are three weirddd things:

1. come back! you took your leave too quickly, and im going to retaliate by taking your... ummm... ipod. ha! (that took me exactly two and a half minutes to think of... and its not funny at all.)

2. i wonder if there is some sort of genetic compatibility thing because our moms are like best friends and i havent felt so much like friends with someone after in like less than 24 hours of total hanging out ever in ever... except maybe in like preschool when all you had to do was draw eachother a picture and share crackers or something. but fuck that, i dont want crackers. and now that i think about it, turns out we did that, too. we hung out in florida when we were like... four. but i definetly wasnt all that into global governance and public policy and stuff back then... or was i? (see profile: preschool clubs.) but the whole genetic thing... my mom is absolutely nothing nothing nothing like me, so that doesnt make any sense.

and 3. number 2 is much much longer than number 1.

(note to self: stop listening to so much death cab.)

the ride home was a splendid rush of like eighty different sentiments. (i totally just replaced the word emotions with sentiments in hopes of sounding like less of a vagina.) i suppose i had kind of put off reflecting on anything for the whole weekend until i was in a position to be peaceful and reflect on apples and oranges for the first time in... hmmm... a long ass time... like 5 or 6 days? something like that... but yeh. so ill enumerate the weird amalgamation of emotions... it was something along the lines of...

"this is weird, im dropping my parents off at the airport and god theyre old and god im old and god life is wierd." (so my parents are in las vegas... what the hell?)

"i saw all my friends. i like them." (finally... i think that was the longest no visitation ever...)

"i miss my not cousin. what a cool cat."

"god this weather is fucking awesome."

"i have a test tomorrow. i had a test thursday. i hate tests."

"the government wants me in jail. i want to lead a revolution. its sealed. we are arch enemies... there is little to no room for reconciliation." (and closer to none than little.)

and finally... "lenin and che. sigh..." <3

all at once while listening to silly music.

so i suppose now im going to the library... and being really distracted... with prices inflating. inflatinggggg.

yeh seriously... how appropriate. heres my ending... so when i got back and felt all weird and weird... james, paul, and john came and cuddled with me in my bed and let me tell them all about it. which was sort of like drinking lemonade when your really hot and thirsty at warped tour... only it wasnt john, paul, or james... because if it were, the lemonade totally wouldve been some kids urine. so luckily it wasnt any of them. wink.

being a complete anarcho-capitalist, i should probably stop naming my cats after communist revolutionaries. orrr nottt. (hey andre... call me when you read this you asshole.)

8 Comments

Thursday, October 20, 2005

sitcom.

on second thought... "$mashkan goes to jail" could make a really funny sitcom. i smell a hit reality tv show.

2 Comments

commonwealth.

let me start by saying this. there is no common wealth in the commonwealth. the very name in itself is a digrace to the seal it claims to represent. wealth is inanimate. wealth is value, and common wealth is value that posseses the traits of nonrivalrous consumption and nonexclusion, such value perhaps vested in a park or another such venture. wealth can not govern. wealth can not infringe. wealth can not steal. wealth can not kill. our government is not an inanimate collection of wealth available for nonrivalrous consumption by the citizenry. our state is governed by those who claim the right to exclusive use of such wealth, given to them by a majority of a group selected by a majority of another group selected by a majority of some other group, all in all creating a very random group that claims to represent a majority that posseses the right to delegate the right to negate the consent of even the members that compose their majority. our state is governed by men who use this right so justifiably handed to them to create goods so exclusive in consumption that it is explicitly declared that the citizenry may not have access to such goods. they are the tools and agents of infringement, typically called arms and police. (or "agents of the state.") then the agents (executive) claim the right to infringe, using the common wealth, (taxes,) which has been vested in them by the majority (legislature) chosen by a few other majorities (gerrymandered voters or perhaps other legislatures), and proceed to infringe unrestrained outside the decided borders (see: war powers act,) and domestically, infringe to the extent another group of men (judges) chosen by their commander (president) orders them to. the responsibility for infringment is so spread out amongst so many agents that each one is fully capable of cognitive dissonance to the point where that the individual agents will even carry out infringements they themselves abhor. (see: vietnam.) which bring me to the reason i'm writing this. i was sentenced to a month in prison today for traversing land at a rate of 85 miles per hour. the majority of some random governing body decreed that i should only move at a rate of 65 miles per hour... not even the agents of the state themselves would move so slowly. i could not help but smile, when i looked above the man who delegated the task of infringing upon my person to some others and i read the words to myself, "sic semper tyrannis." the irony was too apparent to be unintentional. these men, under the auspices of bringing death to tyrants, were physically infringing upon me. had i infringed? was i a tyrant? this was doublethink at its finest. they certainly noticed i did not look at them, but only stared at the seal as my prison sentence was read. those who certainly thought it as ridiculous as i, proceeded to carry out the paperwork and escorting. but they made no eye contact and said nothing to me... only whispers filled the room. "did he say jail?" i slung my bag over my shoulder, filled with econ books detailing the loss of wealth wrought by government regulation, quietly whispered "may liberty bind you and justice find you," and walked out. now i query... shall i serve my sentence? or shall i take to the hills? a fateful choice indeed.

6 Comments

Tuesday, October 4, 2005

explode!

everywhere i go people i know everywhere i fo! GO! joe! SHMOE! sigh. blown away. impromptu hats off to all of them. IMPRMPTY. cant stand how much i love. EVERYONE!

its. too. easy. to. be. happy. in. this. place.

(misplace!)

<3!

2 Comments

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

watered.

ok so i suppose its about time i write something substantial again... its been awhile. first, id like to let all my friends know that i need a colopunture. that being said, here is a summary.

(to be read in monotonous, serious voice...)

wendsday night, cville. played football in a playground. feared government helicopters flying overhead. ate burrito. thursday night, cville. hung out with kids. was impressed. pauls house, but not pauls house, yet still pauls house. took care. friday night, fredericksburg. hung out. visited kids. saw ryan. got injured. saturday, considered driving to see parents. decided not to. bought kegs. had party. had fun. was visited. was impressed. sunday. not hung over because of foresight. andre came. watched tennis. engaged in moment of silence / went poop and tried not to talk to myself this time. (same thing, right?) remembered computer programming. swordfought andre. monday. played tennis. ate outback. baked cookies. shat self. cried. hungered for carrots. wrote this.

now youre updated.

if the carrot is dangled too far for too long, ill probably just be like god damn it im hungry and ill go eat some outback steakhouse. even though its fatty and ill feel like shit for it. and even though i really want a fucking carrot because its healthy and delicious and awesome for my eyesight. and im sick of outback steakhouse. and i should really stop going there. which i would if i could have a carrot. so basically we should find solace in the knowledge that god will always love us, even if humans dont. unless of course i can get enough people to go to outback so that we can get all the appetizers and share them.

i think i talk way too much about outback steakhouse. could it be the australian citizenship? i vote yes. but votes or a plurality thereof says nothing of moral righteousness concerning contentious issues. in fact it seems about as random as a coin, landing on the right or wrong side of the aforementioned in unpredictable patterns.

i want cheesecake. mmm... carrot cake. <3

4 Comments

Monday, September 12, 2005

presidents.

dead ones.

cop shot cop shot cop shot cop shot
keep shooting my people
we will shoot back
every police is a punk ass bitch
this is for my niggas in the streets
getting frisked
gun to your head
handcuffs on your wrists
everywhere we at
we gotta start to resist
the courts the judge
and the jury is fixed
every ghetto you go
sick of this shit
throw up your fist
if you sick of this shit
ain't blind no more
i'm getting ready
for guerilla war
cuz it's coming
here's a government policy
no justice
no democracy
this a modern day slavery
fire upon all country

so that was a response to andre in the previous blog... buttt... i liked it too much to leave it alone.

Sunday, September 4, 2005

woah.

ITS SO FUCKING NICE OUT. this drive to richmond is going to rule... everyone who reads this, send me messages that say "slow down." because im totally getting pulled over.

6 Comments

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

predictions.

so remember back in the day when i blogged that thing about how a jewish extremist would assainate sharon and netanyahu would take over and slaughter everyone? well im pretty afraid of how my own prediction is coming true... back then i didnt even know how, but since then, the settlers all want sharon dead because of the gaza evacuation, netanyahu quit his cabinet and is running against him, and the militant group hamas might win a political victory in the next palestinian elections, making both sides hardline fuckers, and making war easy. everything is falling into place, and i am afraid.

2 Comments

Saturday, August 27, 2005

retrofitting.

in lieu of the inuendo. FOXXUHIORUHLKJN!OO! O!O!O! ?! you sold her off. now shes a sawed off.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

kings.

the hypocrisy of our kings hath made them weak.

2 Comments

iraq.

some of the new iraqi constitution plus my angry comments:



CHAPTER ONE

Article One

The Republic of Iraq is an independent state. (until i conquer it.)

Article Two

The political system is republican, parliamentary, democratic and federal.

1. Islam is a main source for legislation. (can it be my interpretation of islam instead of yours? great, thanks.)

a. No law may contradict Islamic standards. (what if the majority votes against islamic standards?)

b. No law may contradict democratic standards. (what if your stupid scholars decide democracy is unislamic?)

c. No law may contradict the essential rights and freedoms mentioned in this constitution. (not even democratic or islamic laws?)

2. This constitution guarantees the Islamic identity of the Iraqi people and guarantees all religious rights; all persons are free within their ideology and the practice of their ideological practices. (so like... if someday the majority of iraqis ceased to be islamic by their own will, how might the government keep its guarantee? convert the infidels by sword?)

3. Iraq is part of the Islamic world, and the Arabs are part of the Arab nation. (what?!)

4.

a. Arabic and Kurdish are the two official languages, and Iraqis have the right to teach their sons (no daughters allowed!) their mother language like the Turkomen and Assyrian in the government educational institutes.

b. The language used orally in official institutions such as the Parliament and the Cabinet as well as official conventions should be one of the two languages.

c. Recognizing the official documents with the two languages.

d. Opening the schools with two languages.

Article Three

Federal institutions in Kurdistan should use the two languages.

Article Four

The Turkomen and Assyrian languages are the official languages in the Turkomen and Assyrian areas, and each territory or province has the right to use its own official language if residents have approved in a general referendum vote.

Article Five

Power is transferred peacefully through democratic ways. (really?!)

Article Seven

1. Any organization that follow a racist, terrorist, extremist, sectarian-cleaning ideology or circulates or justifies such beliefs is banned, especially Saddam's Baath Party in Iraq and its symbols under any name. And this should not be part of the political pluralism in Iraq. (so are extreme sports banned? im an extremist libertarian... am i banned?)

2. The government is committed to fighting terrorism in all its forms, and works to protect Iraqi soil from being a center or passage for terrorist activities. (good for you... define terrorism.)


CHAPTER TWO

Article 35

a. Human freedom and dignity are guaranteed. (really?!)

b. No person can be detained or interrogated without a judicial order.

c. All kinds of physical and psychological torture and inhumane treatment are prohibited, and any confession is considered void if it was taken by force, threats and torture. The person who was harmed has the right to ask for compensation for the financial and moral damage he/she suffered. (so will i be compensated for having to read this bullshit?)

Article 36

The State guarantees:

1. Freedom of expression by all means.

2. Freedom of the press, printing, advertising and publishing. (no copyrights? that could be kind of awesome.)

Article 37

Freedom to establish political groups and organizations. (except exterme ones, right? forgot already?)

Article 39

Iraqis are free to abide in their personal lives according to their religion, sects, beliefs or choice. This should be organized by law. (unless, of course, it changes iraqs islamic identity which is guarantied by article 2, number 2. in other words, you are free to be muslim. otherwise your screwed.)


CHAPTER THREE

Article 66

A presidential candidate should:

1. Be Iraqi by birth and the offspring of two Iraqi parents.

2. Be no less than 40 years old.

3. Have a good reputation and political experience, and be known as honest and faithful to the nation.

Article 75

The prime minister should have all the qualifications as the presidential candidate and should have a university degree or its equivalent and should not be less than 35 years old.

Article 104

A general commission should be set up to observe and specify the central (government) revenues, and the commission should be made up of experts from the central government, regions, provinces and representatives.


CHAPTER FOUR

Article 107

Federal authorities should preserve Iraq's unity, security, independence and sovereignty and its democratic federal system.

Article 109

Oil and gas are the property of all the Iraqi people in regions and provinces. (so the iraqis blowing up all the gas are just doing what they want with their own property, right?)

Article 110

The central government administers oil and gas extracted from current wells, along with governments of the producing regions and provinces, on the condition that revenues are distributed in a way that suits population distribution around the country. (hey wait a minute... thats the peoples property!)


CHAPTER FIVE

Article 114

1. A region consists of one or more provinces, and two or more regions have the right to create a single region.

2. A province or more has the right to set a region according to a referendum called for in one of two ways:

a. A demand by one-third of all members of each of the provincial councils that aims to set up a region.

b. A demand by one-tenth of voters of the provinces that aim to set up a region.

Article 117

A region's legislative authority is made up of one council, named the National Assembly of the region.

Article 118

The National Council of the region drafts the region's constitution and issues laws, which must not contradict this constitution and Iraq's central laws.

Article 120

The executive authority of the region is made up of the president of the region and the region's government.

Article 128

The region's revenues are made up from the specified allotment from the national budget and from the local revenues of the region.

Article 129

The regional government does what is needed to administer the region, especially setting up internal security forces, such as police, security and region guards.

Article 135

This constitution guarantees the administrative, political, cultural and educational rights of different ethnic groups such as Turkomen, Chaldean, Assyrians and other groups.


CHAPTER SIX

Article 144

The Iraq Supreme Criminal Court continues its work as a legislative, independent commission to look into the crimes of the former dictatorial regime and its symbols, and the Council of Deputies has the right to annul it after it ends its duties.

Article 145

a. The Supreme National Commission for de-Baathification continues its work as an independent commission, in coordination with the judicial authority and executive institutions and according to laws that organize its work.

b. Parliament has the right to dissolve this commission after it ends its work, with a two-thirds majority.

Article 151

No less than 25 percent of Council of Deputies seats go to women. (hey, thats sex discrimination.)

Article 153

This law is considered in force after people vote on it in a general referendum and when it is published in the official Gazette and the Council of Deputies is elected according to it. (great... when can we start guarantying islamic identities?)



conclusion... this is the worst constitution ever.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

blankets.

sharper knives, sharper images.

sharper shoppers, sharper villages.

but i dont want to die... not yet...

my blanket is so warm...

Monday, July 25, 2005

timing.

be it calculated tyrrany or subtle injustice, i am the barrel, the blade, the burden on your shoulders. be it insanity or possesion, the will wont let me die. be still my blood, for the warmth generated by your friction is not welcome here. only scales scaled to weigh their deeds. only blades cut to cut through the hearts of men. vengeance is forever. (diamonds are not.)

6 Comments

internal.

today at the mcdonalds drive through...

lady: would you like any sauce with that?
my internal monologue: god... sauce sounds really good. hmmm... what goes with these french fries? i suppose ketchup. actually... i want ketchup. mmm... ketchup. oh man i want ketchup. GIVE ME KETCHUP... I WANT IT SO BAD! ARGH! KETCHHHUUUPPPPP!
me: no thanks.
my internal monologue: i hate you smashkan... god i hate you...

Monday, July 18, 2005

bicycle.

thou art a coward and a thief. thou art the end of liberty and the beginning of justice. thou art the blood on my blade, the fire in my heart, and the momentum in the tide that shall soon engulf and destroy you. tread softly, tread carefully, lest our paths cross again and as my friend, i am compelled to let us tarry with my greatest love... and the weight of her scales shall find you crushed.

oh by the way... i think my bike got stolen. and it was one of the rare times i locked it too... perhaps i shouldnt have... i want to put a sign in front of my house that says the crap i just wrote up there... what do you think? bad idea?

2 Comments

allegiance.

just like andre says... if you cant build, you can always destroy.

burninating.

i am in a library. there is knowledge here. knowledge i do not possess. i want it all. so i found out how to pay attention in class. instead of trying to filter out stuff i dont already know, just try to ask questions about EVERYTHING. and then go and look it up later. like today in macro the face was like blahblahblah phillips curve. and i thought... hmmm... that whole natural unemployment thing? blown way out of proportion by the minimum wage making lots of people unemployed.

so like, inflation is often a result of wages that are unmatched by the value of production. to pay the wages unmatched by production, firms have to increase prices because the revenues at current price levels arent enough to pay for the labor. so lets say the firm hires someone who only produces five dollars worth an hour, but demands ten. the firm will have a five dollar product to sell, so five dollar revenue, but it will have ten dollars of wages to pay. so it has to raise the products price to ten to get enough money. then lets say the worker wants to go buy the product and gets his panties in a bundle because he realizes the price doubled. then he demands that the firm double his wages to compensate for the inflation. and blahblahblah. inflation up the wazoo.

so the phillips curve. unemployment is inversely related to inflation. with lower unemployment, higher inflation. why? well because to employ the part of the labor force that cant produce value equal to the purchasing power of the minimum wage, there has to be inflation.

how can i prove it? well i would have to look and see if there is any correlation between minimum wage and vertical transformations of the phillips curve. will i do that? no. because i am hungry and want to buy a 5 dollar bagel from a worker who will take 1 hour to make it and is paid 10 dollars an hour, thus creating the high inflation rates associated with lower unemployment levels on the phillips curve.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

rooftops.

ok wow. i was just reviewing weekend plans with brendan when i realized this weekend is fucking insanceneioahfjae ahhhhh!*@($U*@) ok yeh... so this friday night, party at my house. (which reminds me, i needa get a keg.) then the next morning wake up and either go to new york, go get ian his tattoo, then go see my roomates band at the lit lounge and perhaps meet up with aaron rowen there, or go to a birthday party here in cville. we are completely nuts.

anyone heard the new msi album? its pretty good. better than that release with just a bunch of old songs done live.

oh i just found out i got some as in both my econ classes.

i like my coffee black, just like my metal.

im gonna get so fucked.

i hate my life. slash hate andre weldy. slash love penguins.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

beach week.

remember this post? i promised pictures. here...

pictures

woah. that was six nights of absolute sauce.

more later but for now heres titles to my stories to clue you in...

twenty people in a three bedroom condo
copious amounts of substances
a lot of nudity
a lot of fireworks
getting chased by police atvs down the beach and getting away
gettting in a fight with some bikers
a kitten beach towel
water gun assaults on the apartment
sand castles
waking up with people and being confused
winning at random volleyballing
using luggage carts to skate
jumping in a hot tub with someone elses cell phone in my pocket because im an idiot (sorry candice)
spongebob sunglasses
dancing my face off in clubs packed with hundreds of uva kids
a mile of beach with probably over a thousand uva kids
a fair to moderate amount of memoryy loss concerning everything that took place at night (although theres some pictures floating around that ill put on here sometime)

wow. beach week...

2 Comments

Monday, July 11, 2005

sixteen.

my best friends a butcher, he has sixteen knives. he carries them all over the town, at least he tries. look, it stopped snowing! my best friends from poland. um... he has a beard. but they caught him with his case in a public place, thats what we had feared.

he always took the time...

Wednesday, July 6, 2005

airplane.

shall no man stand with me lest the sun breaks and i hold the nails? can ignorance be so whole that only in darkness can the light be missed? i miss thinking otherwise.

this battlefield is not glorious, for justice lies only in defeat. my arms will break under the weight and flood will carry out the work that belongs to her worn scale.

i will watch her pass, with no arms to embrace her, nor the strength to cross and slay her. i will lie prostrate at the gate of submission, with no heart nor hand to make light my position. (andre is gay.)

in all this i shall bear one gain, the recognition of my feeble reign. i hate the truth and all for which it stands, yet i am tied to her, and stranded by her strands.

perhaps if i met god on this bloody day, i would ask him to burn me alive, for that might be better than the burden of eyes.

-eric blair (plus a little addition for the children.)

2 Comments

Monday, July 4, 2005

rand.

wow... no one ever let me talk about ayn rand again. that was the stupidest post ever.

clarifying.

god fucking damn it im not an objectivist. ayn rand never came up with any idea ever. she just made good novels where the superheros are aweseome and libertarian. the philosophical underpinnings of all her work are in john locke and john stuart mill and the austrian school shit and adam smith and my balls. i was a minimum wage hating freetrading government hating liberty loving nutjob since way befor i even knew what ayn rand was about.

i like her books because im a libertarian (aka neoclassical liberal, anarcho-capitalist, whatever the fuck you want to call it), and not the other way around. to the kids who read rand and think objectivism is actually original and call themselves objectivists, fuck you. you make me look bad. the only truely original stuff rand ever shat out is attempting to apply neoclassical liberalism to fucking, family life, marriage, and partying. in this one original endeavor, she failed miserably, because i still to this day dont understand how ditching your family, cheating on your wife, being a pirate, and fucking every person that you think is respectable is somehow justified by accepting life as its own standard... that being said, there are plenty of ideas in rand i agree with, but of those, i cant think of a single one that rand and objectivism have in any way whatsoever came up with. at all.

my favorite book as a 3rd grader was red planet by robert heinlen (also a saucy libertarian cat). but would i go around calling myself a heinlenian? of course not, because that would make me an idiot. and did robert heinlen act as if he was the first person to understand that liberty is the natural corallary of valuing life as its own end? of course not, because that would make him an idiot. and that is exactly why ayn rand is an idiot. fuck ayn rand and fuck objectivism. the next person that assumes i am an objectivist because i like ayn rand gets pooed on...

but i still love her novels... (what libertarian wouldnt?)

4 Comments

Friday, July 1, 2005

happledinger.

happledinger! today is awesome. AWEOSMEMEOIMEO! i just totally aced my macro exam and now i go take micro for which i am prepared because i woke up at 7.30 today and studied studied studied.

anddd whilst studying i went into the bathroom (to drink from the toilet) and what did i see? a giant libertatis æquilibritas on the door with "who is john galt?" written underneath. then i gotted to the room to examinate myself in economics and what was on the desk in from of me? "who is john galt?"

libertatis æquilibritas... in case you have no idea what im babbling about.

dollar signs galore! libertatis æquilibritas on the doors walls desks... where my liberty lovin niggaz at?! oh i know! NORTHERN VIRGINIA! i go tonight woohoo excited excited. i am going to see erdna, master of disaster!

but i am a tid bit interested in who where these libertarian kids of charlottesville are. i see their dollar signs, but i dont see them... then again i probably do in classes and such and just dont know it. perhaps they can help with the revolution?

Monday, June 20, 2005

argh.

one of my kittens got hit by a car today... i am sad. i went to pay my respects, and lenin was very comforting. and it was the wierdest thing ive ever seen... lenin was cuddling and licking and cleaning the other two kittens... lenin is so nice. i love lenin. i left him home because he seems to have gotten pretty attached to his little brother and sister, and they probably like having him around because theyre probably pretty sad about theyre brother. im going to go cry now. just kidding. but yeh. i miss lenin now. i know ive said this at least 7 million times, (like everytime someone comes over and i cant introduce lenin because hes out at his girlfriends,) but i wish lenin had a cell phone. sigh. lenin. oh and in case you think im completely insane, lenin is my cat. he comes home when i whistle, but sometimes hes too far to hear me, hence the cell phone. he usually lives with me in charlottesville but hes been at my parents house for summer to hang out with his family. he has a girlfriend that he probably misses that lives a couple houses down from my house in charlottesville. he has his own friends and stuff... he goes in and out through my window whenever he wants... in fact ive come home to another cat being in my house (im assuming lenins friend he invited or something...) so yeh. lenin. what a cool cat. get it? cool cat... hes a cat... winkwinknudgenudge.

6 Comments

Sunday, June 19, 2005

bitches.

alright. three things. i always start with that but who cares anyway. my ankle hurts. my face hurts. to understand everything listen to two songs. notorious big - party and bullshit. and then ben folds - bitches ain't shit. its moments like this that i realize who i am. im hanging out in richmond eating pizzza (just kidding i have no pizza) but seriously folks. some of the kids at the fight were there tonight alright im writing in rhyme so get ready for something sublime bitches cant hang with the streets sometimes i feel like the only motherfuckering bums jumping kids with their guns wouldnt but i wish i could go... toe to toe... motherfuckers dont know. and know ben harper is playing and im crying like it was freshman year again. just kidding... wierd. andre put this song on a mix for me that was really wierd that he gave to me for my birthday and it was wierd because it was one of the saddest mixes id ever heard. shut up... whatever. tonight is a lesson learned. hi. hi there. fuck you. fuckkk you. i want to be in my room. i have no room. my ankle hurts. fuck you. fuck you all.

ummm... i just reread this and realized this is the silliest most silliest post ive ever made.

2 Comments

worst.

i miss james. i remeber listening to this ben harper shit on the way from somehwere on my 19th birthday days... horrible. horrible. horrible horrible horrible. yet now... i am invincible. forgive me... i overlooked the justice in all of this... and that justice is me. (giggle.)

Saturday, June 18, 2005

computer.

oh and heres something cool that happened that i am copying and pasting because i am lazy.

you wanna hear a fucking weird story? so me and some people were sitting around with a windows media payer visualization and i was like "i wonder if the computer can understand us..." and the screen started this black and white strobe light thing... so i was like "wow... give me another sign." and it did it again. and i was like "holy shit! computer... do you think i should conquer the world?" and guess what happened? no, it didnt flash again. the whole thing froze, and guess what was the visualization was? it got set to picture slideshow. and it showed the grand canyon. i have 3 witnesses. ill bring you one tomorrow. if anyone else reads this and thinks im crazy... i am. so suck my asshole.

(note... me and andre decided that the future capital of earth would be the worlds tallest building built using the side walls of the grand canyon as supports.)

4 Comments

Friday, June 17, 2005

fine.

ok... one more for good measure.

accomplishment.

i like how i was like "im not going to post blogs anymore" and i kinda actually did it. no blogs for a long time. ha! eat that america!

Monday, June 6, 2005

morning.

woah. after that last blog, i never made it back to laurens. i felled asleep here in all my strange tshirted glory. (i am wearing katies uva basketball tshirt which is weird because i go to uva and she doesnt.) now i will copy and paste what i just told erdna, the master of disaster. (who sucks at soccer.)

interstingly enough i woke up early this morning as well... then i immediately ran into the kitchen, ate leftover chinese (the breakfast of champions) and drank three cups of water really fast, and upon reflecting on what i just done, i realized that i was still a little bit drunk from last night. im happy i woke up and ate and drank because ha! not hung. and by not hung i mean my penis is tiny. and by breakfast of champions i mean breakfast of complete idiots.

6 Comments

Sunday, June 5, 2005

subject.

ok... there are three things wrong with this picture.

1. i cant TYPDE ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

2. i lft richmond fun and walk into my apartment and there are people already in my apartment smoking ajnd i smoke and we go to a party AHHHH...

3. i dont know who i am anymore.

4. i think i should go to the mountains to think about things for awhile... i know i only said three things but im really serious guys. i mean... i like mountains, i like life, i like thinking... i mean... what could go wrong?

now i will elaborate. ok so i drank a bottle. i didnt think i would because things besides liquor usually dont but i got sauced. aka galaxied;. SEMICOLON! who? what? ok.

new paragraph now to avoid confusion. i just got from laurens in which there are about 15 people. i am sauced. i was in richmond at a sauce with 15 people, alex picks me up, and now i am in charlottesville ... well i am taking a break at my apartnment because lauren onluy lives across the street. but i am at a charltteicleso sauce with about 15 people.; SEMICOLON>

new paragraph. i want to ask andre what the tri-cities song is because i need to sing it NOW. i typed that wrong THREE times before i typed it right.

ok. calmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm down.

i havent blogged in awhile. im not sure why i started either. its pretty pointless if you think about it because if people really poop. theyll read! ? OK THT DOESNT MAKE SENSE. that wasnt supposed to be in caps either. i give up on blogs. i hate them.

i know im just saying that now though. i hate them the way i hate... umm. andre weldy. fuck that faggot. he think hes so cool or something. ill show him cool when i throw his juice off the side of the balcony. HA. fucking faggot. he is such faggot.

but seriously folks... its weird because who cares what i say besides andre weldy... (that faggot.)

i wish i was a butterfly.

fuck you.

-smashkan

4 Comments

Sunday, May 22, 2005

beard.

ok so tonight i talked to clifford, chat, and alex for like an hour about genetics and race, and then after that i talked to chat about physics and relativity for another hour.

basically me and clifford debunked the myths of race for chat, which basically led to a crash course in genetics. itll be hard to type all of it out, but ill try my best to summarize.

basically, genetic variation is the most important factor. humans are 99.9% genetically identical. (or less, like me and andre.) inversely, humans vary by .1% of their genes. (at the most, like me and pat dean.) of that .1% variation, there is only a fraction that affects physical appearance, and then only a fraction of that fraction effects the phenotypes that people typically use to determine race. (skin color aka melanin amount probably being the most important one, then hair color/texture/amount, eye color, body/eye/nose/mouth shape, blahblahblah.) of that retardedly tiny amount of genes, all are inherited independently of eachother and so none can be said to have any causal linkage with each other (or for that matter, any of the other .1% genetic variations.) sooo in conclusion, race is a silly silly social construct, and necessarily so, because there is no causal variable or set of variables that determines a race. you will always have some exception (/contradiction) that you cant reconcile. the only way to explain race is to say, a race is what most people think a race is. what should you do if you really really want to believe but have no evidence of a causal variable? have faith and go to this website. (see my second blog entry for the invalidity of social constructs.)

if you want even more...

nih stuff on genetic variation.

pbs super duper documentary on race... i may have told you about this before.

after all that, chat taught me about relativity, the uncertainty principal, and how he was colorblind (which is why we had to explain race to him in the first place.) it was fun. i should like to explain that too, but its 430 and im tired.

oh and i grew a beard over beachweek, so i have a beard.

home.

return. of the; semicolon.

now everyone hit the ground because that was just meeting you. who wants to fuck with us now/? slashquestionmark. oceans dont dry up overnight... do they?

i feel strange, i feel a lack of feeling, i feel strange./ periodbackslash.

welcome home.

2 Comments

Friday, May 6, 2005

silly.

Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion 80%
Stability 83%
Orderliness 46%
Empathy 43%
Interdependence 56%
Intellectual 90%
Mystical 36%
Artistic 16%
Religious 23%
Hedonism 83%
Materialism 76%
Narcissism 76%
Adventurousness 63%
Work ethic 43%
Self absorbed 43%
Conflict seeking 90%
Need to dominate 70%
Romantic 16%
Avoidant 36%
Anti-authority 90%
Wealth 90%
Dependency 43%
Change averse 16%
Cautiousness 50%
Individuality 23%
Sexuality 76%
Peter pan complex 70%
Physical security 90%
Food indulgent 10%
Histrionic 30%
Paranoia 30%
Vanity 70%
Hypersensitivity 23%
Female cliche 10%


Stability results were high which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic..

Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun.

Extraversion results were high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.


trait snapshot:

social, outgoing, worry free, optimistic, upbeat, tough, likes large parties, makes friends easily, rarely irritated, open, enjoys leadership, trusting, dominant, thrill seeker, strong, does not like to be alone, assertive, mind over heart, confident, controlling, feels desirable, likes the spotlight, loves food, social chameleon, hard working, concerned about others

4 Comments

Wednesday, May 4, 2005

kids these days.

Kan177: dude doesnt my profile look like the coolest profile ever?
Kan177: i so htmled that bitch.
Pattycakes Dean: (literally explodes with anger)
Pattycakes Dean: (yet can somehow still type)
Kan177: youre going in my blog for this.
Kan177: and im never letting you out.

ihavebasicskills: hey what's the name of the bright eyes song you played for me?
ihavebasicskills returned at 2:18:41 AM.
Kan177: lover i dont have to love
ihavebasicskills: that you made hand motions and mouthed
Kan177: hahahaha
Kan177: interpretive danced... asshole.
Kan177: respect the art.

SourAppl62: so here's the thing
Auto response from Kan177: giving the british parliament a long hard look at my opposable thumbs.
SourAppl62: something that i get from my dad-
SourAppl62: is always wanting things to be in order
SourAppl62: i like order
SourAppl62: so maybe thats why i like some rules
SourAppl62: i mean, i like your ideal of the only rule being that you cant infringe on someone else's liberty, but i feel like i would be hesitant because of the lack of order that could possibly ensue
SourAppl62: i like schedules, i like plans, i like lists, and i like order. and i dont really like that about myself. haha.
SourAppl62: but, alas
SourAppl62: so, being a relativist, i can still function in an absolutist society because i recognize the need for order and explanations
SourAppl62: even though deep down i have doubt about what those explanations are and could be
SourAppl62: and our capacity to understand them
SourAppl62: and there you have it
Kan177: haaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha
Kan177: you are at complete liberty to make order and plans and lists and schedules for yourself
Kan177: but no one else
Kan177: and no one may make them for you.
SourAppl62: but if they are just for myself
SourAppl62: ill be constantly frustrated with other people
SourAppl62: for not having my same respect for order
SourAppl62: which is how things are for me usually
Kan177: mmm.... yes. and others have the same feeling. thus we have power struggles and such.
SourAppl62: no im just being selfish
SourAppl62: haha yes
SourAppl62: i really need to sleep. maybe ill dream about something pretty like ideal worlds. goodnight!!
Kan177: if you question yourself, and except others explanations and rules... then your screwed
Kan177: yourr their slave
Kan177: and the same works if you believe rules without explanation.
Kan177: you will be frustated when others dont accept your rules.
Kan177: but only the ones without explanation (otherwise theyd accept)
Kan177: wink
Kan177: night

and now.

time for another round of ashkans perdictions for the year 2006. sharon will be killed by a jewish extremist and netanyahu will take over the government. war and killing and death and stuff. this has been brought to you by the letter r.

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and more.

and there was more to that, but it was basically the same thing i said in the belgium blog thing... basically i am so full of things i wanna do in life that life can not possibly ever suck. i love everything.

oh and i think i figured out my degree sauce. now i want econ graduate degree, but also i want an mba. so i can continue my rents real estate stuff and also start my own stuff up. then AFTER making myslef some businesses to the point where i can hire management, then ill apply to economic development jobs (to save the world from nationalism.)

and yeh, free trade. is awesome. fair trade. is gay. why? because the idea of charging different prices for different people based on a social construction is silly. and yes, free trade exploits everyone. it exploits their comparative advantage so as to lower costs for all goods. STOP EXPLOITING PEOPLE.

i just read about the iraqi economic laws. i like them. bremer is still an idiot for firing the whole army, but his economic policy is quite the liberal sauce. i like it. anyone wanna invest in iraq with me? government bonds maybe?

my dream and how weird i am.

how weird i am.

so this morning i skipped my final exam reveiw session because i was having such an incredibly cool dream.

and here it is...

me and lauren and chrissy were in museums in dc, and i was like hey, wanna see where i grew up? they said yeh, and on our way out the museum we stumbled on some evil plot by the museum ownership (i have no idea what it was...) and found out that they were trying to stop us from leaving. we found paul and andre and they were like, yo! no one is the museum movie theatre, get in. we went in and there was a whole bunch of indie kids all hanging out and we made a bunch of freinds. after the museam people had stopped searching for us, we snuck out of there. i was like weve got to get to my old apartment and find out whats going on. it was awesome because i actually acurately mapped out dc in my head and really followed the way home. i used the national cathedral as my guide, my apartment is right there. finally we made it to behind the cathedral, aaron and jocelyn show up and are like, yo take this way, theyve got these streets surrounded. eventually we get into my house, and its totally not my house inside anymore. its these technological jungle of machinery and computers and shit. (this is a recurring part of my dream... ive had this a lot of times before. my apartment i grew up turning into craziness.) and so... we get outta there, and turned on the radio. awesome song on there, but i turned off the radio and i could still hear it! there was a show at the community center by my apartment! we went and saw all those friendly kids from the movie theatre and lots of people from richmond (parker, pat, steve, laura, katie, etc.) started showing up and helloing! ahhh. and then the coolest part. my alarm clock cuz i had to go to review. i turned it off and went back to sleep, but alas i could not return. maybe someday, i can pick up where i left off, gather all those kids and invade my apartment, destroy the evil that lurks there and save the world.

then i woke up again at around 1 because lauren came over with breakfast. i ate and listened to tori amos. im such a faggot.

but remember, be wary of museum management. and SAVE THE APARTMENT I GREW UP IN FROM EVIL!

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

cocktails.

readysetgo...

today i am going to africa. i am going to start a rebel movement called front for unity in liberty (so our acronym will sound cool too... ful...) and ill start in the congo.

ill start by providing food water and shelter to any man who enlists and passes an application process that ensures they are actually committed to liberty.

after building an adequate force, i will crush the tyrannical militias in glorious battles that will earn us international media coverage.

as the globe hears the call, the force will swell with enough numbers across the earth to hold the meek national governments truly accountable to one global monopolization of force, and hold them to one and only one law...

no man may infringe on anothers ability to make their own choices concerning themselves and their property.

...

...

...

or maybe ill just go pick up lauren from the library...

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quarters.

dear diary,

today was a fun day. i went to the state fair, even though my mom told me not to go. brad was there. he was so cute in his new pants. i have such a major crush on him. he is like, so totally the coolest.

after the fair, i went over to his house and fucked the shit out of him. i wouldnt even have done that for my boyfriend! gigglegiggle.

i hope i can see him again soon. im so excited about brad, i havent even had time to think about the possibility that i could give my boyfriend aids. i know i dont know him very well, but i dont care because brad is so totally cute.

i dyed my hair today.

-susan

2 Comments

Sunday, April 10, 2005

AHHHHHHHHHH!

ahahaha!!AAAHHH . wow that was insane. i got in a fight!!!! AHHHHH!!! ok so story time.

so pauls big 15th anniversary acapella concert was last night. after concert we were walking with helencindymiles and they were lagging way behing like a block behind cuz they were all drunk and slow and silly.

a block away from party me and paul walking with miles helen and cindy walking about a block behind us, 3 guys walking the opposite direction, the third one just punches paul in the stomach for absolutely NOOOO reason whatsoever. (like we didnt even make eye contact i dont think)

and i turn around and im like "what the fuck?" and the guys like "you gonna do something" and i go "yeh" and i went after him and he started running and i chased him fer like 10 seconds or something. i stop in some church parking lot and yell some explative at him as he just keeps running and disappears.

then i turn around to walk back and 4 guys are standing in the church parking lot and cmoing towards me. it was all movie like ahhh. and i was like god im fucked.

so one of them knocks me down and i got punched a few times in the face (i think... its all kinda blurry from there but my jaw hurts)

but heres the wierdest part... next thing i remember is it ended just because im standing in the grass next to the parking lot and 3 of em are walking towards me and i look at them and liike put my hands down and yell out "ALRIGHT HOLD ON.... what the fuck?!"

i remember when i said it i was standing in the grass on the side of the parking lot like ten feet away from where i got knocked down and theyre kinda walking towards me. (how the hell did i end up there?)

and theyre like "well you were chasing our friend." and i go "well he punched my friend for absolutely no reason... what do you expect?" and then we all just kinda look at eachother and blink a lot, and then they all just take off.

i didnt know what had happened to paul, but apparently one of the four ran over to paul who was still by the street like a little ways away and him and paul were dancing (and by dancing i mean punching eachother).

at this point, miles helen and cindy had caught up to where paul was and saw them jump in a red pickup truck with a confederate flag on the front plate and a missouri license plate on the back. as they drove off miles and paul kinda ran after fer a little bit, but the kids reached down and covered the plates.

i walked back to the street from the church and see cindy and helen. they told me miles and paul were running after them. i called paul and he told me he had called the cops (horrible idea, cuz wed totally get in trouble for assault too...) and told them stuff... but at this point the kids were gone and we went to the party and continued about our business.

but im retardadly confused about a whole bunch of stuff.

first, why the fuck did that kid punch paul?

second, why did he say "you gonna do something?" like he would fight, and when i looked like i was, run away and disappear.

third, where the fuck did those other 2 guys come from? maybe they were behind them and i didnt see em or something... but wierd.

fourth, why the hell did his friends step in to try defend that shit? i mean... yeh if its like a slowly escalated exchange or something, sure, defend your friend. (or in my case, if someone punches your friend for absolyutly no reason.) but what kind of dickhead defends someone who just punched a kid half his size for no reason at all.

fifth, why the hell did everyone just stop when i yelled out "ALRIGHT< HOLD ON." AHHH!??!!?!!! and i was kinda like why the hell are we fighting? and everyone kinda looks around and just runs off. i mean... did they not know that the guy i was chasing had just punched paul? because when i said "what the fuck?" (as in, why the hell are WE fighting?) they were like "well you were chasing our friend" and when i replied "well your friend just punched mine for absolutely no reason, what do you expect?" they all kinda of like... agreed or something. AHHHHHH. 3 of them and just me, so its not like im very threatening at this point. so like... what couldve possibly stoppped them except for me telling them that their friend had just punched mine? god... so fucking weird. but i dunno... i feel like it would have been impossible not to see that... they were walking in front of him i suppose... hmm...

anyway yeh. im not sure what happened fer like a some unknown amount time period. all i remember is getting knowed down and then next thing i was standing in the grass like 10 feet away and like, talking with them... oh and my jaw hurts a lot today... (luckily i had corn beef hash for breakfast which is soft and gooey.)

what a weird and confusing chain of events.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

belgium.

today, i went to outback with james paul and lauren and had lots of food. then we hookahed and watched family guy. yesterday, i went to laurens and we made ourselves a saucy dinner then me and paul went to jasons dorm and listen to jason and the poops (aka avp) cover coldplay, the scientist, which made me think of how far i am now from before and how i still think of before so much more than any other time ever. dont know if i like it, but its there. then all of us went to alexs drom room and drank saucy drinks and played scrabble and i somehow tied paul for the lead, which made me happy because i had the shittiest letters of everyone. the night before that i had a fat dinner with the family in nova and then hung out with laura in richmond. the night before that me and andre had a grilling burgers and hot dogs with pat dean steve pratt whitney christin aamber lizzy katie in richmond. the night before that i saw engine down in charlottesville and then hookahed and my house with lenin andre paul and some richmonders and made friends with their uva friends. the night before that me and paul had a fierce debate about cultural relativism which started because we had to help lauren on a paper where she defended it which is a horrible idea when im around. i dont really remember what the night was before that... but whenver i think of what ive done in the past few days i think i like life. still, theres so much more i want to do. the days should be longer. the years too. i wish i could live for at least twice as long. and stay this age for a really l0ong time... like 5 more years at least. im not sure where im going with all this... but umm... i like apples. its also funny to think of the people that ever have something against me and stuff... cuz yeh. theyre usually later either way exposed in a giant crap shit of theyre own whilst i was a deflection for the blame. im thinking of how a day or two ago i got flustered because julia was calling me a psycho in her internet crap because i was nice enough to make her a cd i promised her even though we arent together anymore. i thought maybe after she called me a psycho for making her something i shouldnt give it to her, and instead tell everyone and make a big deal about how she deleted all my internet shit and blahblahblah... but then i thought about it for a minute or two and then felt sorry for her and made her a nice case for her cd which i will give her on her birthday. and then i thought some more (and by that i mean thought just now,) how everyone that has ever crossed me ive ended up just feeling sorry for. and thats kind of cool. i think i like myself. but still not as much as i like andre weldy. because he is awseome. and noww tommy just sent me richard cheese's cover of nine inch nails which is funny. and another thing that is funny is the n in nails looks backwards to me because its the right way. nine inch nails was one of my favoritest bands once upon a time. along with rage and tool. i would like to learn musical instruments. i would like to see more of the world. i would like to start a hookah bar chain in all college towns, and go to grad school, and start an economic development company and work for the u.n. and also teach. and also i want to wage guerilla warfare against lots of governments and be a professor in economics someday. i also would like to raise a kid awesomely and have a lenin-poo around too. i also want to write a lots of things about econ and poitics and stuff. basically just a compilation of all of me and andre and tommy brendan mark pauls conversations ever. the world would be way enlightened. i wish i had recorded all those... but i got most of it i think. blahblahblah. anyway. yeh. life is fun. i wish i had more of it. i mean that in both the "i need to get a life" sense, and the "im overflowing my stupid physical confines with desire." just kidding. more the second one. im so full of myself. but yeh... what a good description. im full, and need more of myself to actually do it all. ive filled myself. im full. of myself. woo. maybe too rosy? not everything is perfect... but then again, what the hell would i do with myself if it was? be bored i suppose. i always wonder too... who the hell reads these? ...blahblahblah enough for now. waffles. toodles poodles.

Tuesday, March 1, 2005

shutup.

You can bet when mid-october end's I'll still be ranting 'bout most early may.
Yeah, he's a winner.
He's a goddamn sinner.
While he dines I'm on the wrong side of the day.
And I said, "I don't understand why I'm fumbling after"
Yeah, you're the reason I cannot forget this season,
Or the lesson how an ape shall not kill ape.

You can't trust a man who's a governor
Ape can't trust man.
You can't trust a man with a gun at all.
Ape can't trust man.

How can you heal?
If you don't ease back the blame.
Knowing you're right, won't you heal?

turkmenistan.

wierd day... ghosts followed me everywhere i went. they were even in my classes learning calculus. i saw some other people with ghosts of their own.

i remembered how i used to have recess... i wish i still had recess. i listened to some glassjaw and remembered when i didnt have recess anymore.

so many contradictions to sort, so many ghost wandering around in my apartment. i would like to speak to them, but they dont talk. they just follow me to my classes. i have a new bike that goes pretty fast, but they always keep up. i wish they took notes for me in class or maybe made me dinner or something, but the more they hang around, the more i think theyre useless. still, i hesitate to send them away... i worry that were i to leave them behind, i would condemn them to be forever useless when they may have some purpose in the future...

but keeping them around is difficult. especially because one of the ghosts masturbates to internet porn far too often and i need my computer for schoolwork...

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Monday, February 28, 2005

mortal kombat.

why is it scary?

when one takes interest and is not only willing to listen when you open up, but desires that you do so and you do nothing, thoughts will drift to "why?" and all possible answers are diconcerting at best.

what better can the world expect when i leave my doors wide open and theirs have been sealed shut since a night off 95. if my doors are constantly wide open, but the rest of the world has multiple locks on multiple doors, how should i feel? and if therein lies the root of inequity, along with its natural corallaries, distrust and regret.

furthermore, i am what some may regard as an idealistic oddity. i refuse to lock my doors. but i am as rare as the locks are numerous...

if you build a gate, expect it to keep you in as much as it keeps others out. if you build a wall, your view from the inside cant be much better than the view from the outside. if you build a border, dont expect that the conditions can ever be seperate but equal.

barriers will lead to inequity. and inequity to distrust. and distrust to opportunism. and to stave off opportunism, you will need more barriers.

i thought it simple enough.

intrestingly, only two people have ever used opportunism to wrest anything of any real value from me... both own many locks. figuratively speaking, of course. and sometimes i wonder if both were a reaction to the threat of me locking them out, simultaneously vindicating and ensuring my action and thereby justifying their own...

i hate locks. i will swear them off forever for those that reciprocally have none for me. and the idea of locking such a person out is sometimes as uncomfortable as the threat of theft. especially when i have seen the reactions enumerated above.

and that was nothing more than a formal decleration of something that has always been true. and shall continue to be.

i have a couple locks. i would like to throw them away someday, but it is not really my choice... the theft has been so demonstrated as to be certain by reasonable judgment. but my judgement? i will always invite evidence to the contrary for my judgement has no lock.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

for my beloved pattycakes.

This is a survey.

1.Who are you? dan the barbarian.
2. Are we friends? no.
3. When and how did we meet? yesterday at the hot dog paradise stand outside your living room.
4. Do you have a crush on me? maybe...
5. Would you kiss me? hell semo.
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. clever with idiocy.
7. Describe me in one word. because youre really clever.
8. What was your first impression? shut up and fuck me.
9. Do you still think that way about me now? only whilst showering.
10. What reminds you of me? pinatas.
11. If you could give me anything what would it be? a new pair of eyeglasses.
12. How well do you know me? shut up and fuck me like you did micheal combs.
13. When's the last time you saw me? thursday at the yacht bar.
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? yes.
15. Do you love me? don't you want to know what it is?
16. Do you Miss me? of course.
17. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you? yes.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

rationality.

I can try all I want... but if the governed doesn’t consent, the barrel of the gun is all that’s left. It’s hidden in justice paraphrased, in holy texts and occupations’ pretexts. (Apostrophe goes after the s in occupations. It’s a plural!)

Is there a universal truth? To negate the universal is to negate truth. Is all knowledge socially constructed? What a joke.

Let’s assume it is that an idea is justification for itself. Those birds are all purple because we believe they are all purple. Those atoms really didn’t exist until we discovered them. That mass hysteria proves the existence of the mass hallucination. That the world was flat when we believed it was flat, and the pope is always right because we believe him to be right.

The truth can change according to what we believe? Nay I say, but it is the other way. What we believe must change according to the truth. Truth is a higher power than humans, and we can’t circumvent that. Humans are powerless against it, so call me a crusader whose cause can’t be defeated.

To attempt to negate cause and effect... to expect the food without growing it, to expect the effect without concerning oneself with the cause... is to either subjugate oneself to those who do understand and beg them for what is theirs, or die of starvation.

So back to the idea that all knowledge is socially constructed... what can we conclude? Socially constructed ideas are not true, but instead mass hysteria about cause and effect, in which the effect is attributed to some cause other than the mass hysteria.

So there was this one time, there was a gas leak at some school, and everyone found out and got really sick and puked and went to hospitals. Then they found out... no gas leak. Funny... they attributed the cause to gas, when in fact it was mass hysteria. But because they all believed there was gas, and the effect of gas was present, people assumed that the existence of gas must be true. They thought that the effect proved the cause. Backwards, eh?

It’s also funny how people do what the mass hysteria tells them to do.

Like when mass hysteria says that being American means eating hamburgers, so everyone eats hamburgers and believes in the cause and effect as true, when the causal factor is in fact the mass hysteria.

And trying to take advantage of that particular mass hysteria is at the heart of a whole lot of ideas floating around right now. Ideas that would crumble if people didn’t buy the mass hysteria that being American, or any other nationality for that matter, is an appropriate cause for whatever effect they want you to believe in.

I would even go so far as to say that you can’t even define a nationality without using social constructs. There is no basis in reality for a national identity. It always comes to a contradiction.

The fundamental basis of logic is that there is existence and nonexistence, and that you can only prove existence. You cannot prove nonexistence. I can’t prove there are no atoms, I can only prove there are. I can’t prove I don’t have weapons of mass destruction, I can only show you if I do. To believe a negative because it cannot be disproven is to accept simultaneously a billion contradicting ideas. Let’s say I’m standing outside a sealed room, and I know there is a light inside, but I don’t know if it’s on or off. But neither can be disproven. So am I to believe that the light is both on and off? Well sure, if you believe that inability to disprove something is proof of its existence.

And after all that, I will say that if you assert the existence of a something that separates one nationality from another, I would ask you to prove the existence of some definitive cause for the effect of someone’s given nationality. A reason borders are where they are.

And their existence is not a justification for their existence. I want to know what the causal factor is. If you can prove it without using a social construction, I will give you a dollar and my gratitude.

And while you’re busy proving nationalism, try to prove racism and cultural relativism. It’s just as difficult. You’ll find that the cause is always its own effect. It’s only true because everyone believes it’s true and no other cause exists. It’s mass hysteria on a global scale. Kind of like when everyone believed the world wasn’t a globe at all.

So what have we learned? That association is not causation... but I think everyone already knew that... so what else? That there is a universal truth... there is always a cause and effect relationship and existences that can be definitively proven.

Believing something with all your heart won’t make it true. Truth is fixed and universal, unchanging and eternal, all encompassing and infinite in scope. Sounds religious doesn’t it? Except that I don’t ask for a person’s faith in believing it. I would rather eat my kittens. I don’t need their faith. Only their rationality.

Which brings me to my next rant... there is a fundamental difference between those whose cause is furthered by people’s understanding of universal truths, and those whose cause is undermined by people’s understanding of universal truth. There is a fundamental difference between those who ask for your faith, and those who would rather... umm... eat their kittens. There are those who can prove what they assert and only ask you to listen and decide for yourself, and those who teach that nothing can be proven and ask that you do not ask. Let’s call them proponents of rationality, and detractors of rationality.

These detractors are aplenty. There are lots of people who would prefer you didn’t think. And there are plenty of people who would prefer not to think... people for the detractors to use as fodder for their own irrational ends. The contempt for the intellectual scares me beyond words... but so many people buy it.

Which is what makes mass hysteria such a powerful force. So who do you know who co-opts mass hysteria? Who do you know that hates when you identify it for what it really is? Maybe Mao? Maybe Osama? Maybe your friend Samuel and his llama Joseph Stalin? Maybe religious fanatics, maybe nationalist nut jobs?

And finally, I ask... of proponents and detractors, whom should you trust? Well I won’t ask for you to let me decide. I’ll just ask that you use your own judgment of that universal truth... and I’m confident that the more rational you are, the further my cause is carried.

You may ask why I wrote all this crap... well I wrote it to convince you to do the following... buy American, preempt the terrorists, convert the infidels, and clear the way for our glorious Aryan race to dominate the globe.

And if you demand rationality of those that have none, your answer will invariably is the barrel of a gun. Whose gun? Who cares?

Monday, February 14, 2005

ashkan back.

The Quest for the New Jersey Tomato

It all started in the Holy Mountains of Azur. The Sword of Eternal Unity shined forth upon all the land from a cliff on high. The civilizations of all the world raised praises to the Sword every year in a mass ceremony in which all the peoples of all the lands came together to worship, and formed an unbreakable union of all the nations that would guarantee peace and prosperity for the next year... until one day...

There was a young and ambitious Swiss scientist by the name of Albert Curon. Albert was too ambitious. He was bent on coming up with an invention that could earn him all the riches in the world... the greatest invention ever! He sought to create this invention by any means necessary.

Albert became an evil man. He became obsessed with his invention. Everyone who knew him tried to stop him. He wouldn’t let them! He set up a secret laboratory in a cave in the mountains of Rorshach, Switzerland. He worked endlessly in the lab. He lost interest in humanity, the Sword of Eternal Unity, and all things good. However, he failed in all his attempts... until one day...

Albert was working as he normally did when suddenly he saw a strange apparition float through the caves! He called to it. It did not answer. He called it names. It did not answer. He called it all the names he knew! It did not answer! Finally, in his anger, he cursed it in the name of Satan! It answered in a roar! “That is I!”

The apparition suddenly transformed into a flaming monster! It called Albert forward, and the scientist found he could do nothing but obey. Then, the evil Satan, enemy of man, bent on destroying the unifier of all mankind, the Sword of Eternal Unity, spoke to Albert. “I will make you a deal. I will give you this invention you desire, but you must promise me something...” Albert nodded impatiently awaiting his task. Satan boomed “You must ensure that the gift I give to you shall find its way to every ocean, to every river, to every lake, to every brook, creak, puddle, and raindrop! Then, you shall have your riches young Albert.”

Albert could not believe it! It was the greatest offer he had ever had, and he immediately without question agreed. Satan's flames disappeared into the cave ground, and left where the flames stood, a puddle with a cloth in it! Albert grabbed at it, thinking it must be some sort of armor cloth... he was wrong. Instead, he found it was the softest cloth he had ever felt! Albert took off his garments and dropped them in. They came out softer than even the cloth had been! Satan had given him Fabric Softener!

Albert immediately began its swift distribution. He found the chemical composition of the Fabric Softener with his scientific instruments and mass produced it. He made millions, then billions, then trillions, then zillions... there was no end! After he was richer than he could imagine, remembering his agreement, he bought planes, boats, helicopters and trucks... and he dumped the liquid into every body of water from oceans to puddles!

Little did the world know... Satan was smiling from the Underworld. The next year, they gathered for their world ceremony at the foot of the Azur Mountains to pay tribute to the Sword. It was a cloudy, chilly and eerie morning. There was a huge clap of thunder and then... buckets and buckets of rain! The world looked up to the Sword and they couldn’t believe their eyes... the metals were bending! The Sword was decaying! It was slowly becoming a puddle! People rushed up the mountain to cover it, but when they arrived, it was too late. The Sword was destroyed. It lay in a puddle of mercury and iron, never to be seen in its former glory ever again.

Without the Sword, the infamous Year of Chaos began. The world became disunited without the Sword. Wars sprung across the Earth. The world fell into disarray. Nations and civilizations crumbled. The world seemed doomed.

But there was hope. A former schoolmate of Albert Curon, a wise, old, and respected American scientist named Colonel Johnson of the military forces of the United Nations of Earth, decided to set about finding out what happened. He secretly took a sample of the rain, the Sword, and set to work.

Col. Johnson secretly called an international panel of scientists together to release his findings. A delegate scientist from each nation that had survived the Year of Chaos came together. Col. Johnson revealed what had happened. He described how the Fabric Softener had become one with the Earth’s water systems, and during evaporation, it rose to the atmosphere where it condensed. When it rained down, it was the perfect catalyst for the decay of the Sword!

The scientists all studied the liquid, and traced certain elements to a cave in the mountains of Rorshach, Switzerland. They traveled there, and they found traces of the Fabric Softener. Interestingly, they also found burns mixed in with all traces of the liquid! They examined the burns and found that these were not Earthly burns... they knew what had happened. These burns were the burns of Satan! Satan had brought this chemical... this Fabric Softener was all part of his plan! A look at Albert Curon’s documents they found in the cave affirmed the panel’s suspicions. They knew what they had to do.

After learning of Satan’s plot to ruin Earth, the secret panel of scientists became the protectors of unity. They convinced their governments to stop the fighting, but they kept Satan’s plot a secret. They hired a mercenary, Andre Weldy, to assassinate Albert Curon and destroy the remaining production facilities of the Fabric Softener. Then, they went to work trying to piece together a way to remake the Sword. They found that they needed a power from a holy source... they needed the legendary New Jersey Tomato.

Col. Johnson was too old, but he had two outstanding students that were perfect for the job, Arthur Fruchtman and Chris Adell. They were dedicated to restoring unity and happiness in the world and they were some of his most intelligent students. He sent for them from his base in New Jersey. He sent them to train in Idaho under the cover of "potato farmers." When Andre had completed his mission, and the time was right to begin the quest for the Tomato, he called Arthur, Chris, and Andre back to the New Jersey Base. They climbed aboard planes and set out for New Jersey, but Satan conjured up storms to stop them!

Arthur and Chris had to crash land in Wayne, Pennsylvania. So that Satan could not find them, they stole the uniforms of two local military school cadets and they disguised themselves by assuming the roles of the two cadets at the military school. Col. Johnson learned of this and immediately enrolled there as a teacher. They would have to begin their quest from there.

Andre Weldy disappeared on his way back to the New Jersey Base after destroying the last factory in Brazil. He was supposed to meet Arthur and Chris and join their party, but now he could be anywhere! His last contact was made somewhere in Virginia. Andre has valuable information about fighting Satan’s minions of possessed creatures and is the fiercest fighter in the group.

There are many allies in the quest! Locals from our military school who wish for the military to once again be the glorious military of Earth and not just America, citizens who want to end the fighting, and other allies who believe in unity and seek to rebuild the Sword!