Thursday, November 17, 2005


can someone come pick me up from the library? its very cold out and im only wearing my olive drab sweater. olive drab is gross. go fuck yourself.


Monday, November 14, 2005


oh my godd.d...d... ok noramlly i dont use the word because its silly, but oh man i am fucking losing it. this is going down in history forever, like our grandkids will hear about this. so i totally just used andres undying awesomeness to pull the meanest prank on him ever. so heres some background. so theres this girl i like, susan. now obviously, if i like someone... who would know? clearly that ivory tower liberal of a friend. so andre and company come to my party and get wastededness and its fucking fun as poop. then around 2 i wind up passed out in my room and i completely guess whats going on the whole time, sparking me to speak with a compatriot about it, and totally predicted the following. so whats the following? andre comes in the room looking really serious at like 3 and is like (ok switch to easy to read converstion script syle.)

andre: dude, ashkan can you come outside? i have to talk with you.
(and so immediately im like ... oh shit. i know what happened. and this asshole is too nice to just wait til morning.)
$mashkan: yeh dude i know... andre i sweriously i really dont care. do have to get up?
andre: nonono... you really have to come talk. this is important.
$mashkan: dude no honestly i really dont care and im really comfortable. go to bed.
andre: no come here.
$mashkan: (angry beginning of hangover grown. stumbles over to dre in doorway of living room.)
andre: dude i have to- (looks behind him at james pat and laura) guys can you go upstairs for a second?
james: (laughs.)
andre: okokok come here. ashkan... (pulls me into kitchen.) i have bad news and i dont want you to be mad at me. (andre begins to break the news really seriously and apologetically.)
$mashkan: (burtsts out laughing and cuts off andre.) andre, oh my god shut the fuck up. i cant believe you pulled me out of bed to tell me this. didnt you understand i was trying to tell you i know. i pretty much figured. all i wanted was for you to let me sleep. you asshole.
andre: (drunkenly bursts out laughing.) oh my god... really? i hate you. ahhhh. (laughs)
$mashkan: ok, dick. im going to bed.

sleep. so then the next day we eat and play mario tennis and have fun and stuff with all the old homeslices. then next day is court and i get out of jail and shit and call andre because im halfway to richmond already for court. andre at work. (sad ashkan.) and just now... the most hilarious moment ever...

smashkanthegreat (12:59:59 AM): (sad face.)
andre1771 (1:00:15 AM): why so sad?
smashkanthegreat (1:03:40 AM): YOURE THERE!
smashkanthegreat (1:03:44 AM): HOLY SHIT.
andre1771 (1:03:47 AM): talk to me man
smashkanthegreat (1:03:50 AM): it says away!
andre1771 (1:03:57 AM): i know, i'm sneaky
andre1771 (1:04:07 AM): the battlestation, is here
smashkanthegreat (1:04:26 AM): i totally assumed that was an away message and saw a response but put it behind something for no good reason.
smashkanthegreat (1:04:37 AM): actually im really upset with you about things.
andre1771 (1:04:44 AM): i know...
smashkanthegreat (1:04:46 AM): im so upset. with you.
smashkanthegreat (1:04:52 AM): no man... you really hurt me.
smashkanthegreat (1:05:02 AM): im like... all torn up and stuff.
andre1771 (1:05:21 AM): are you being serious?
smashkanthegreat (1:05:44 AM): i cant even believe you would think i was joking, andre!
smashkanthegreat (1:05:50 AM): HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
smashkanthegreat (1:06:13 AM): (caps to indicate YELLING.)
smashkanthegreat (1:06:26 AM): are you going to respond or jhust ruin MY WHOLE LIFE?!
andre1771 (1:06:52 AM): yes
andre1771 (1:06:54 AM): im going to respond
andre1771 (1:06:57 AM): im truly sorry
smashkanthegreat (1:07:05 AM): yeh i sure hope so.
andre1771 (1:07:17 AM): it shouldnt have happened
smashkanthegreat (1:07:22 AM): you and your fucking smug smile.
smashkanthegreat (1:07:29 AM): you think i didnt know what was going on?!
smashkanthegreat (1:07:35 AM): you acting all happy and confident.
smashkanthegreat (1:07:48 AM): this has been going on behind my back for so long now, hasnt it?
andre1771 (1:08:01 AM): ?
andre1771 (1:08:41 AM): no, it hasnt been going on at all
smashkanthegreat (1:08:55 AM): sure.
smashkanthegreat (1:09:02 AM): actions speak louder than words, you know.
andre1771 (1:09:03 AM): are you serious?
andre1771 (1:09:13 AM): you think this has been going on??
andre1771 (1:09:45 AM): so im going to be brutally honest
smashkanthegreat (1:09:45 AM): hold on.
andre1771 (1:10:09 AM): i dont really know what to think
andre1771 (1:10:18 AM): i felt slightly smug
andre1771 (1:10:34 AM): and thoroughly disappointed with myself at the same time
andre1771 (1:10:39 AM): you idealize girls
smashkanthegreat (1:11:17 AM): yeh you did.
andre1771 (1:11:17 AM): and so i can never assume i know your true feelings for any one of them
smashkanthegreat (1:11:19 AM): i could tell.
smashkanthegreat (1:11:29 AM): i acted all cool because i didnt want to look hurt in front of judith.
andre1771 (1:11:33 AM): yet, at the same time i think i knew you really liked susan
andre1771 (1:11:53 AM): but didnt admit it to myself
andre1771 (1:11:58 AM): because i was drunk, and she was liking me
andre1771 (1:12:08 AM): and it felt good
smashkanthegreat (1:12:27 AM): wait... susan?
andre1771 (1:12:39 AM): ?
andre1771 (1:13:01 AM): ??
smashkanthegreat (1:13:11 AM): oh that?!
andre1771 (1:13:20 AM): what the fuck are you talking about
smashkanthegreat (1:13:30 AM): HAHAHA... no dude! mario tennis!!!! YOU FUCKING IDIOT!
andre1771 (1:13:38 AM): ASHKAN!!@@!#!@!!!!!
smashkanthegreat (1:13:47 AM): no dude i was pissed because you beat me!
smashkanthegreat (1:13:51 AM): TWICE!
smashkanthegreat (1:13:59 AM): and then just looked all smug and happy afterwards... youve totally been practicing behind my back!
andre1771 (1:14:19 AM): your more of a dick than i am
smashkanthegreat (1:14:29 AM): hahahahahahaha. call me now.
smashkanthegreat (1:14:33 AM): call me!
andre1771 returned at 1:27:37 AM.
andre1771 is away at 1:42:54 AM.

funniest aim conversation ever, after which the most hilarious phone conversation ever ensued. about me cracking up and how i was now having to apologize to him and the double edged irony of it all. then about how funny we were and how much i loved him (every occurence of which promptly followed by, "you faggot.")

then we totally hatched a plan to play the biggest joke ever on all of you by posting only the joke part of the conversation and us completely pretending we were mad at eachother for like a few weeks (laughing together in secret) and just letting ridiculous rumours about us float. of course we would totally have to speed the spread along by acting angry with eachother at parties. (dirty looks. avoiding and not speaking directly very obviously.) upon which we realized there was no way in hell we could convincingly act like that for any real length of time. and sauced.

andre1771 returned at 1:27:37 AM.
andre1771 is away at 1:42:54 AM.
smashkanthegreat (1:51:46 AM): dude im changing her name. ingenious right?
smashkanthegreat (1:51:50 AM): she cant get mad at me.
andre1771 (1:52:03 AM): haha
andre1771 (1:52:23 AM): its pretty obvious though, isnt it?
andre1771 (1:52:39 AM): i guess that just makes it funnier
andre1771 (2:07:05 AM): hey fuck face, you done yet?
smashkanthegreat (2:09:51 AM): nonono
smashkanthegreat (2:09:53 AM): im sorry
andre1771 (2:09:59 AM): you should be
smashkanthegreat (2:10:12 AM): why am i apologizing to you? shitface. im trying to be really careful because i realized just now how much juicy stuff.
andre1771 (2:10:23 AM): hahaha
smashkanthegreat (2:10:27 AM): totally wierd for third parties.
smashkanthegreat (2:10:39 AM): man... secrets are for weird ass people.
andre1771 (2:11:08 AM): i know, i just realized the juicyness of it all
smashkanthegreat (2:11:15 AM): go listen to combat baby.
smashkanthegreat (2:11:20 AM): its so great. im thinking of it and giving you tons of big booses.
andre1771 (2:11:25 AM): and forgot for a moment that there are other people in the world with feelings
smashkanthegreat (2:11:29 AM): hahahahahahhahaha
smashkanthegreat (2:11:37 AM): shut up. your making me feel like an asshole.
andre1771 (2:11:43 AM): you are an asshole
andre1771 (2:11:44 AM): haha
smashkanthegreat (2:11:49 AM): oh man i could hug you.
smashkanthegreat (2:11:54 AM): (fucking faggot.)
andre1771 (2:11:59 AM): hahahahah....
andre1771 (2:12:17 AM): this is all too hilarious
smashkanthegreat (2:12:18 AM): alright give me a feew more minutes.
smashkanthegreat (2:12:30 AM): or go to bed and look tomorrow. itll be like christmas.
andre1771 (2:12:47 AM): i cant wait for christmas
smashkanthegreat (2:13:12 AM): which we will probably spend together. remember when we were little? and all were too smart for that santa bullshit and so we just opened our gifts at like 12:01am?
andre1771 (2:13:16 AM): itd be pretty funny if all of this went up
andre1771 (2:13:30 AM): of course
smashkanthegreat (2:13:40 AM): its too bad we cant do that ever again because YOU RUINED IT.
andre1771 (2:13:50 AM): our parents didnt even try convince us otherwise
andre1771 (2:14:09 AM): i ruined it?
smashkanthegreat (2:14:15 AM): yeh. by BETRAYING ME.
andre1771 (2:14:19 AM): you faggot

there has never been a greater friendship. seriously. even if he is a total faggot and even if he still cant beat me in real tennis. (smug because of mario tennis... you fucking faggot... no, im really upset about the tennis thing though...)

(and in case you dont know us well, we have actually gotten mad at eachother once in life. once. guess what it was? i kicked andres ass in playstation - blast chamber. he got mad and knocked the controller out of my hand and stomped off. after which he was promptly made fun of. then we went skating.)

andre weldy. fucking animal. (and the best friend ever.)

(songs whilst writing? metric - combat baby, bloc party - banquet, annie - heartbeat, hothotheat - no not now, bloc party - this modern love, vcr - we are vcr... on repeat.)



woahhh... 24 blog views in a day and its only 1:30. somebody probably accidently jammed the mouse button on reload. worried about jail? NO JAIL! the state just stole some money. a bribe if you will. (to use the proper terms, a fine as a result of a plea bargain.)

fuck i love my friends. FUCK I LOVE YOU. feel my heartbeat. and my cock. no? too much, too fast? ok, fine... just my heartbeat for now. this song makes me. sad. happy. sadhappy. or is it happysad? where the hell did i even get all this awesome music?

shit dude. so heres a new emotional state. bipolar bounces between pertpetual disconnect from reality with warm and gooey euphoria flooded with nostalgic memories that make me feel lonely and miss stuff and returns to reality with the realization ill be looking back on the present with just as much nostalgic glory and admiration for all of this... this being "fucking awesomeness."

second feeling increasing at a decreasing rate. (first derivative > 0, second derivative < 0.)

a fucking awesome house in cville, a fucking awesome house in nova, a fucking awesome school/city/hopes for the future. fucking awesome parties every weekend, fucking awesome trips to new cities every weekend, a fucking awesome crew with whom to combat tyranny and learn a shitload, and a fucking awesome cat named lenin. sigh. lenin lenin lenin. what a fucking cutie. now theres the type that warrants a fuck on the first date.

and thats just now. what of the prospects? numerous and bright. just have to avoid car crashes and shootings. knowing me, knowing conflict... note to self: under violent conditions, be CAREFUL!

i wish every weekend. could be. more like me.

next weekend, you say? tons of old friends converging on the bumfuck county that tried to imprison me? sounds like more fucking awesomeness.

(song whilst writing? annie - heartbeat, metric - combat baby.)

Sunday, November 13, 2005


i mean come on, why wouldnt i?

so that was fun...

weekend in la learning how the last four generations of my family has had everything siezed by governments. (bombs in lebanon. islam in iran, twice. communism in russia.) week of classes. weekend swinging on my door while listenening to banquet with a shitload of friends. weekdays alternating between classes and courtrooms avoiding imprisonment. weekend imprisonment. weekdays alternating between classes and revolution. weekend partying at lake lousia. (same location as jail! coincidence?) weekdays winning revolution. always fucking surrounded by friends. fucking. surrounded. always.

and about that jail thing... ive eluded the state after a year of dealing, teaching myself to drive at 12, getting away from like 5 cops while driving at 12, beachside atv chases for mortars, helicopter chases for molotov cocktails, countless curfew searches and siezures, shooting mortar fireworks at cops harassing teens, and pranks on the cops that used to surveille my house... i think the state deserves (i use the term loosely) at least a little something something. its unfortuanate it will only be 20 over, 85 in 65. (ive always thought the credit card fraud and theft was much more creative.) but they will have to work with/for what they can get/steal. and i shall work with what i can get/create. wealth created is infinitely greater than wealth obtained by theft. and i dont mean money. so tomorrow i go to court. maybe some jail. ill let you know. i see it as training. so fuck them. (the victor in all conflicts shall be he who posseses a greater command of the truth and all its glory.)

dear life,
slow the fuck down.
love, $
p.s. and more andre please. the man and the drink.

dear ashkan,
ok, but first you have to suck my big fat cock.
love, life

dear life,
ok. i love a hot cock in my mouth.
love, $
p.s. shit in my ass. ooohhh yehhh.

dude. i need a vacation. or do i? zing. oh and i put my revolution picture up. you know... the one i lead with a watergun... its only fitting, right?

i think i may sleep with banquet on repeat tonight.

(song whilst writing? bloc party - banquet, bloc party - this modern love, hot hot heat - no, not now.)


Saturday, November 5, 2005


woahhhhhhh. im in la. in an ipod store. i want a 60gb ipod video. fuck shit fuck AGH! party at my house on the 12th. be there or be fucked. er--- square. ok, no. fucked.


Tuesday, November 1, 2005


grrr. hey, can i start over?


i suppose we all have our fuck ups. too bad mine was thinking hot lava was orange soda. now im all burnt up!

ashkan is worried. and sucking. and worried. and... oh look! a unicorn!