Thursday, March 15, 2007


so tonight i got pulled over after i picked some kids up in the rain. the cop pretty clearly couldnt articulate what i did illegal, other than to ramble yelling about how i was driving like i was drunk or something...

heres the deal...

c: what the hell are you doing?! do you have an excuse for driving like that?
$: picking up my friends in the rain. no need for all of us to get wet.
c: oh, by making an illegal uturn (not true) and running a red light?! (not true either.)
$: well the way i see it- (notice question mark at the end of his sentence. must have been rhetorical. silly me.)
c: i dont care how you see it! have you been drinking?
$: (giggle) nope.
c: do you always drive like this when youre sober?
$: huh? umm... not usually? (thats a leading question.)
c: not usually huh? i sure hope not! (storms off with my shit i passed whilst talking.)

so he returns and says the usual formal crap and gives me a summons charging me with...

§ 46.2-893. Improper stopping to take on or discharge cargo or passengers. (thats whats written anyway.)

so i got home and looked it up. here it is written correctly...

§ 46.2-893. Stopping on highways to discharge cargo or passengers; school buses.

No truck or bus, except a school bus, shall be stopped wholly or partially on the traveled portion of any highway outside of cities and towns for the purpose of taking on or discharging cargo or passengers unless the operator cannot leave the traveled portion of the highway with safety. A school bus may be stopped on the traveled portion of the highway when taking on or discharging school children, but these stops shall be made only at points where the bus can be clearly seen for a safe distance from both directions.

(Code 1950, § 46-257; 1950, p. 941; 1956, c. 505; 1958, c. 541, § 46.1-250; 1960, c. 256; 1989, c. 727.)

apparantly this law is for busses and the highway. even if its not, it still doesnt seem to apply to me.

so now i have to wake up at 9 am on some thursday to deal with the state and its stupid fuckup agents. sigh. hopefully i dont get sentenced to 30 days in jail for a traffic offense again.


Wednesday, March 14, 2007


so i went to phoenix and la! it was saucy. i got free dental work and new lease on valhalla.

airplanes are fun. and so is the spanish civil war if youre a warrior spirit. man your battlestations! (well have you dead pretty soon.) but youll die strong, in right wing fashion.

speaking of fashion, ive officially decided im at the center of every trend ever in the universe ever. those big butt things on victorian bitches? yeh that was me. i started doing it for my posture and it just blossomed from there.

heres another thing. im competent! in a nice life, put the spider in you. you live a nice life with the spider in you. arachnophobia! disregard that you live a nice life with the spider in you.

hey guys... want to see my colon?



speaking of perversion, you know whats fucked up? salmonilla poisoning. heres what i think of when i hear the word salmonilla.

(.. )<

be strong! in right wing fashion! you fascist.

ok heres a plan...

1. eat the graham crackers.
2. vomit.
3. regret everything.
4. celebrate your humanity by clinging to the fuselage while singing madonna.
5. repeat.

did you know that once i had a cd made for me called "inspirational hymns to get the fuck over yourself"? it was nice, but i didnt get over shit. nor do i really know what im supposed to get over. (just kidding... i know.)

so heres a dilemma... so lets assume that value can be objectively measured... not that anyone can ever actually account for all the factors but they are out there. like if you were a god and somehow could account for every factor, you would be able to always order your preferences from best to worst based on cost benefit payoff shit, (to include expected value based on risk). now should pleasure be a factor in the value or not? like what if you know something is the best value, like flying a plane instead of a car... but you just dont like it. lets say its for images sake, you just think cars are so much cooler, not for any rational reason. or maybe its a fear of flying. irrational again, you know the probability of harm is higher driving than flying. but youre scared anyway and thus will be super miserable flying... so yeh... whats the "right" thing to do? when talking about objective values, are irrational emotions allowed in the account?

given all that, so maybe just maybe my wierdnesses that maybe i should get over are things i dont want to change just because i think theyre kind of cool, irrationally so. but no one has been able to argue me to a corner to convince me of that. (the people who say it are usually not the argumentative types.) anyway im on plane and i like how the world actually looks pretty fucking organized from up here.

heres the deal... the first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one... but what if i like this? i mean... its efficient and fun. (which we all know are mutually exclusive.)

so i think i accidentally convinced someone that i really believe efficiency and fun are mutually exclusive. apparently they didnt know me well enough to tell if i was joking or not.

lets fix this...

for illustrative purposes here are some things that are indeed mutually exclusive...

1. paul hiatt and gorillas. not to be confused with the gorilla banana theft scene in "under no circumstances: the paul hiatt saga."
2. autobiographies and coolness. if you were cool enough, someone else wouldve written shit about you. so fuck you.
3. salmon and dinosaurs. if the two were meant to live together, god wouldve put them together. you know, because god controls everything... right?... ... ... wow for a second there i felt my entire universe collapsing under a terrible weight. but i said a prayer and i feel better now.
4. how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? i think that pretty much just abrubtly ended this list/tangent because i realized explaining myself is worthless. (you know... hitler said the same thing.)

so heres an idea. back in the day i used to write a lot of psychobabble (ill post one for you later). im pretty sure i could write a hundred or more pages of rambling muses that would contain a lot of comedic gems, the only problem is, am i the only one that finds them funny? whatever. im going to write a book. if you dont like it, ill pee on you and maybe get a little on myself in the process. man i really want to pee on someone right now... sigh... (lovestruck.)

ok its over. go away.