Friday, November 30, 2007


as·cet·ic [uh-set-ik]
1. a person who dedicates his or her life to a pursuit of contemplative ideals and practices extreme self-denial or self-mortification for religious reasons.
2. a person who leads an austerely simple life, esp. one who abstains from the normal pleasures of life or denies himself or herself material satisfaction.
3. (in the early christian church) a monk; hermit.

also, as·cet·i·cal. [uh-set-ik-uhl]
1. pertaining to asceticism.
2. rigorously abstinent; austere: an ascetic existence.
3. exceedingly strict or severe in religious exercises or self-mortification.

also, as·cet·i·cism [uh-set-uh-siz-uhm]
1. the manner of life, practices, or principles of an ascetic.
2. the doctrine that a person can attain a high spiritual and moral state by practicing self-denial, self-mortification, and the like.
3. rigorous self-denial; extreme abstinence; austerity.


here they teach that much of existence amounts only to misery. that misery is caused by desire, therefore, if desire is eliminated, then misery will be eliminated. now, that is true enough, as far as it goes. there is plenty of misery in the world, all right, but there is ample pleasure as well. if a person forswears pleasure in order to avoid misery, what has he gained? a life with neither misery nor pleasure is an empty, neutral existence, and, indeed, it is the nothingness of the void that is the ascetics final objective. to actively seek nothingness is worse than defeat. it is only surrender... craven, chickenhearted, dishonorable surrender. poor little babies are so afraid of pain that they spurn myriad sweet wonders of life so that they might protects themselves from hurt. how can you respect that sort of weakness... how can you admire a human who consciously embraces the bland, the mediocre, and the safe rather than risk the suffering that disappointments can bring?

if desire causes suffering, it may be because we do not desire wisely, or that we are inexpert at obtaining what we desire. instead of hiding our heads in a prayer cloth and building walls against temptation, why not get better at fulfilling desire? salvation is for the feeble. i dont want salvation, i want life, all of life, the miserable as well as the superb. if the gods would tax ecstacy, then i shall pay; however i shall protest their taxes at each opportunity, and if woden or shiva or buddha or that christian fellow cannot respect that, then ill accept their wrath. (though i shall do so with barrel and blade drawn and ready.) at least i will have tasted the baquet that they have spread before me on this rich round planet, rather than recoiling from it like a toothless bunny. i cannot believe that the most delicious things were placed here merely to test us, to tempt us, to make it the more diificult for us to capture the grand prize... the safety of the void. to fashion life such a petty game is unworthy of both men and gods.


(i always thought that cavalcade meant a funeral procession... its not a funeral procession at all! its just a procession, like any other procession. and definitionally so, at that.)


"please hold on, please hold on, please hold on."

the path was descending again, but if his calculations were correct, they were two days from the foothills. three days if the weather didnt break. an eternity, if she couldnt get back on her feet.

"please... it wont be long." he bit his blue lip against the falsehood. "it wont be long until we reach the caves."

she wailed. the cry was so similar to the wails of the widow on the cremation fire that a huge horror seized him, a horror shot through with adrenaline, and he picked her up in his arms and began to run with her.

the horror changed into a kind of giddiness. this must look ridiculous, he thought. though to whom it looked ridiculous he failed to name. he must have meant death, for in a minute he conceded, "death has trapped us, thats for sure. but he shall not take us sitting still!" and as the pageant of his life, no less ridiculous than this mad dash in the snow, flashed before him, he laughed and laughed and laughed.

almost immediately the wind fell quiet, like a drunk who has passed out in the middle of a rage. the sun burned through and set about boiling clouds into dumplings, then into gravy.

it was practically on their hands and knees that they covered the final mile, but no one greeted them there. the caves were empty and bare.


concluding his account of how he had swept her up and run with her, he ventured the opinion that they had survived because he reached a point where he did not take his desire to live seriously.

my desire was no less than before, you understand, but i no longer identified with the desire. perhaps that is why desire causes men calamity... by identifying with our desires and taking them too seriously, we not only increase our susceptibility to disappointment, we actually create disappointment. (a climate inhospitable to the free and easy to the fulfillment of those desires.)


with a puppet masters control over the dialectic, we actually create disappointment! see... the burden of magnanimity. (and its the same archetype every time! but so what if i am shelling my efforts out into a bottomless pit? i know better what will create the highest value, and i am just. and so i will forever be valiantly emptying my innards. see... the just mans dilemma.)


he is a glorious man, she thought, but this constant prattle about the meaning of life can make a person tired.


close your right eye. with your left eye, look at the +. slowly move your head closer to the image. the space in the middle of the vertical lines will disappear and you will fill in what you cant see with what you expect to be there. (or maybe what you want to be there.)

though i am more concerned with how i view others, i shudder to think of the consequences for the mirror. (i like that someone got so flustered and defensive that they added invalid where it doesnt necessarily belong. in bold.)


so we fill in the blanks with what we want. im no better than the next in this regard... but you gave me no illusions, only war. glorious, humorous, glorious war eternal.

and so with the violence of a sudden infant death, all at once the empire was forgotten. the capital lay in ruin, and its satellites, once benevolently governed and now maliciously neglected, simply sailed away with the tradewinds at their backs. those who stumbled upon the cities found roads no longer traveled, and temples devoid of worshipers.


bop bop bop bop bop!


Wednesday, November 7, 2007

my whole life is a lie!

woops. sorry that title was a typo... although it is nice to get attention now and then.

i mean...



i meant to type "my whole life is a life!" but i got fucked cuz i missed the f. get it? me neither.

well now i might as well write something mildly interesting. beauty is fucking weird, but if an asteroid hit me tomorrow, and only me, i think id still be happy i lived.

i mean... maybe the humor of being struck by a tiny bullet sized asteroid would actually make up for all the years id lost.

today, i honestly played starcraft from 2 until 8, and heres the thing... i wasnt even playing the game. i was making a level in the level editor. i think its actually pretty good. here it is in case you want to play... its got a cool little storyline and everything.

speaking of weird shit... here are some games i programmed in basic in like... 7th grade. cooldood, walker, gorillax, earth raid. (these are all .exe files... scary, i know. also theyre in chronological order so you can see how i got better over time... ... programming... ... ...god im lonely.)

but thats not my point. my point is that im honestly worried that im this guy...

("real cutters dont cut themselves.")

i mean i probably not but... yeh... its possible. you know what else is possible?

oh and one more thing...


ok one morrre thing... remember that time i said "well now i might as well write something mildly interesting"?



Wednesday, August 22, 2007

cosmically important.

or was that comically impotentt?

shit i can never remember which one.

(end internal monologue.)

ok, who wants a shot?!

so i wanted to just end it there and i was about to hit post but then i was like ok i should probably add important stuff like...

i live in richmond now.

im not transient anymore. i would tell you about my travels but i dont want to. ok actually i really want to but right now im completely naked so that would just be weird if i made you pay attention to me while i was completely naked.

maybe next time i blog ill put on a tupee and absolutley nothing else. at least i wouldnt be naked... or would i be? hmmm...

did i mention im probably balding? so the tupee thing really isnt all that far fetched.

but you know what is far fetched? the ball i threw for cocoa earlier today. yeh she lives here too.

ill bet you were expecting some really zany chris adell style answer to my rhetorical question but nope. i literally threw something that was far away. and then it got fetched. by cocoa. who is awesome.

ok now im just rambling. i knew i shouldnt have set out to write about my life in my current state. virginia.

because really when you really think about it, weve all got babies. i mean... we dont always acknowledge them... but theyre there. just hangin. watching you from their pale lifeless eyes.

oh my god this has immediately turned into the worst blog ive ever written. did i mention im pregnant? ... shit.


Sunday, July 29, 2007


so for the last few weeks ive been waking up in random places and trying to figure out where i am and how i got there. i pretty consistently end up in a new place before i have time to figure anything out, so i still dont really have any idea whats going on.

im in buenos aires right now, hanging with jaime and nate. i spent this morning hung over as shit, (from bars/clubs/dancing my pants off last night,) frantically flipping through channels looking for the iraq soccer game. apparently argentina cares a lot about soccer but not much about iraq.

the closest thing i could find was a weirdass argentine news "war on terror" segment which consisted of a 10 minute u.s. airport security montage with a thumping techno remix of wagners flight of the valkyries in the background. fuck. of course the game was the headline of every major news channels website, (cnn, al jazeera, bbc...) but nowhere to be found in argentina. grmph!

i gave up and we ordered some chinese food por curing hangover, which helped. (by the way, "por" is spanish for "for"... idiot.) hangover cured, i had to be contented with repeatedly checking the internet. which eventually led to this.

next stop, the weekly independent clothes designers market outside jaimes house.

so its been cville->providence->cville->salem->cville->rva->obx->dc->buenos aires...
and soon itll be buenos aires->dc->nice->cannes->paris->newcastle->london->dc->rva->nyc->rva.




Thursday, July 12, 2007

cars and bullets.

heres to car wrecks and murders and disease! heres to avoiding them. and heres to the friends that didnt.


walking the streets of la, i remember the story he told me about when he was in south africa...

he and a friend with a car were driving through johannesburg when at a stop, a gang of armed kids walked in front of the car and told them to get out. so they got out of the car and walked to the side of the street. the kids turned to get in the car and just then another group of gun toting south africans point their guns at the car, claiming it for themselves. someone starts letting off shots.

they hit the ground until a lady in a house nearby called to them to run in. as they were running, his friend fell. he turned around and grabbed his friend and they both got in the house. the lady looks at him and starts screaming. he looks down and their is blood all over his chest. he pulls up his shirt, trying to figure out where hed been hit. they start frantically looking for the bullet hole.

a richochet had cut him and his friend was hit in the leg, and he got blood on him while carrying his friend.

but he was fine.


so heres to the cyclical nature of all things. heres to death and rebirth and learning with each cycle. heres to coming closer to the truth every time we die.


heres to you...


and the name we shared...



heres to the fragility of one life, and the endurance of many.


farewell and welcome noble ghost.

our ranks give tribute, our blades bear your name.

Monday, July 2, 2007



its over. cville is all gone! before i get drunk off this last little bit, i just want to spend some time with you and remember. i have no idea what ive learned, but i know "its something". i cant explain it... but i feel it all.

so heres a tribute to all of it. heres to human flaws! heres to seeing them. heres to weaknesses! heres to knowing them. heres to car wrecks and murders and disease! heres to avoiding them. and heres to the friends that didnt.

heres to the fragility of one life, and the endurance of many.

all the promises i made. im still good for them. heres to keeping contracts. heres to honor and pride and making shame an ongoing joke.

heres to abrogating treaty. heres to seperateness and navigating the maze of differences that leave us at an utter loss for understanding eachother. heres to not understanding eachother. heres to not understanding.

heres to giving up. heres to giving in. heres to liking it.

heres to arbitrary direction in life, because you know that even when you forgot who you were, you were still yourself. and the trees are still too old and wise to care. and the leaves are still pretty the next day, when you remember again.

heres to the constant rumbling of airplanes behind the trees. heres to the orphans that have become my family. heres to the children that see such wonders for the first time and dont understand them. heres to teaching them.

heres to the tyrants that will not love the truth of seperateness. heres to understanding and respecting them as your fellow man, but keeping the blade on their necks. heres to eternal vigilance, so that we may teach our children in peace.

heres to the graves weve long since paved over. heres to those that died for their fellow man. heres to the immutable truth that wins every time, but heres to the occasional failure that makes us smile. heres to the deaths of hundreds of millions and the birth of ten times more. heres to the bombs that destroy ten cities for every thousand we build.

heres to the cyclical nature of all things. heres to death and rebirth and learning with each cycle. heres to coming closer to the truth every time we die.

heres to my own death. heres to the kreb cycle and photosynthesis and atp and glucose and the life of each individual cell and the will that becomes more than the sum of its parts. heres to not understanding what makes me alive.

heres to endless progress and factories and cities and airplanes and healthy people. heres to blogs that get too long because im rambling and because i dont want to let go of each cycles beauty.

so onwards to the next cycle. ill do better this time. im not perfect, but i should try. the trees tell us so. the ones that dont are long gone.

heres to the illusion of a zero sum game, and harnessing the suns energy on giant floating platforms of solar panels that grow calorie rich crops as yet unheard of. heres to machines that will farm them while i sip unimaginably perfect lemonade and toy with my childrens genes.

heres to the endless struggle and the refugees and the camps and the loss and the airdrops and the devil on horseback and the taliban and zionism and hezbollah and the mahdi army and the basij.

heres to the hope of giving them all proper burials.

heres to the mistakes my fathers fathers father made and the people that took everything from him.

heres to the mistakes my fathers father made and the people that took everything from him.

heres to the mistakes my father made and the people that took everything from him.

heres to the mistakes i will make and the knowledge that no one can ever take everything from anyone. heres to that immutable justice.

heres to the mistakes my children will make.

heres to the mistakes my childrens children will make.

heres to the mistakes my childrens childrens children will make.

heres to their struggles, and their heartache.

heres to the meager 3 years i spent in the school jefferson built for me to eat that heartache and hate the world and learn to love it all in the end anyway.


heres to my love for you.

i love you.


yes, you!


Friday, June 15, 2007




fuck fuck fuck.


i could write a few pages about all this... but ill just say this.

gaza is run by islamists. and israel has withdrawn.

the west bank is now split from islamist gaza and run by secularists. the new prime minister is a phd in econ from the university of texas and former world banker.

and the west bank is occupied and there are checkpoints everywhere and israel is still withholding the palestinian tariff money and it wont allow weapons to get to abu mazen and i hate everyone.

someday maybe a u.s. policy maker or two will tell israel to go fuck itself. until then, liberalism in palestine and the arab world and the middle east will be a casualty of zionism.

because as far as i can tell, islamism pays and moderation doesnt. and it seems israel is making sure of that. and u.s. policy makers are too cowardly to do anything about it.


seriously... dont any policy makers in the u.s. realize zionism is irreconcilably contrary to liberalism? (does that sentence even make sense?) but still, the u.s. gives priority to zionism before aiding a secular government besieged by islamists. wtf?

ease sanctions?! why are there any sanctions?! you stupid fucks... the west bank under the new interim govt is a secular democratic government that recognizes israel and is run according to palestinian basic law with a bunch of phds running the government. and they are sanctioned and occupied and their tax revenues are withheld? wtf!

yet americans are confused when the arab street loses faith in liberalism and turns to islamism.

u.s. mid east policy has made a mockery of liberalism. its zionism parading around as liberalism. and if you defend zionism and say "this is liberalism", learn to expect people to tell you hypocrites defaming the name of liberty to go fuck yourselves.

so yeh... go fuck yourselves.


Thursday, May 24, 2007


lebanon... every summer, another war. please do butcher fatah al-islam. theyre a cancer to palestinian liberation (can we get rid of hamas while were at it?)... so kill the islamists, but for plo/pete's sake, watch out for civilians! mortar shells are flying everywhere, some missing the camp entirely! so to the lebanese army, keep going, but a take a deep breath and aim! (and by aim i mean instant message me, id love to talk.)

but heres a better idea... the reason for the seemingly indiscriminate shelling is the 1969 cairo agreement between the plo and lebanon that says lebanon can not enter the palestinian refugee camps. that was back in the days of black september, when arafat was busy creating a state within a state and the biggest threat was the host governments themselves. fatah under abu mazn has enough power within the plo to overturn that if they want to.

times have changed and the greatest threat to the plo these days is islamism. hamas, fatah al-islam, and whatever other religious fucks want to hijack the palestinian cause for islamic tyrrany. so to the plo and abu mazn, stop deluding yourself into thinking this agreement gives you control over the camps. it just gives the upper hand to the least honorable fucks that will sneak in (aka syrian intelligence). let the lebanese army into the camps, and get whatever remains of the plo to help them slaughter the islamists. all of them.

siniora, use un chapter 7 to unilaterally set up the hariri court. and tell syria to go fuck itself whilst wasting their proxies. its like cutting their penis off, only more fun. hariris ghost will be watching.

ok im going to go make two pieces of toast and throw one out for hariri. actually three because im hungry and hariri cant eat toast anyway because he got murdered. fuckkkkk.



so graduation was fun. i was definetly still a little sloppy from the night before and as i walked down i waved to random parents i didnt know and thanked them for coming to my party. and when we all go to our chairs i definetly stood up and yelled "i dont even go here!" at which point everyone fell dead silent and i heard some girl go "most akward comment of the day." and then someone was like "hey thats chris adell, he does go here!" and then everyone cheered. it was awesome.


Friday, May 18, 2007


and hey! ive been reading a lot so its time for smashkans book review... (i realized after writing the book stuff that i started rambling and typed way too much. ah well...)

player piano is ok... its pretty obviously vonneguts first novel because i can tell he probably sort of got lost in parts along the way, but its still pretty good. i didnt find myself laughing too often and people said i would... whatever. i did have a general smirk through some parts. the idea is what happens if humans actually have automated sustainment... like machines take care of everything. this book paints a yucky super stratified class structure where the elites are anyone who still has a job taking care of the machines, and everyone else is basically in the army. im not sure i agree that thats what automated sustainment would look like (like i dont see how having everything basically provided for free would lead to everyone joining the army...), but whatever. the book has a definite luddite feel to it... and if you know how i feel about luddites, then youll know why i dont like that... but it was still entertaining.

on the road is possibly one of the worst books ive ever read. it just talks in pain staking detail about the completely mundane travels of a bunch of worthless humans that drift around living so close to the edge that they cant help but view/use everyone around them as means to their ends. one part in the book comes to mind... he goes into painstaking detail about all his friends and theres this one part in the book where he gives like one small paragraph like "i ran out of everything again so i found a rich girl i knew and then (blahblah another stupid journey)". there are countless characters like these that kerouac devotes like one line too. like a guy who lets them wash dishes for dinner and that "rich girl". they glorify eachother and their friendship while shamelessly ignoring or underappreciating the people that benevolently decide to extend their worthless lifespans so they can take another pointless journey or trip where the conclusion of repetetive soul searching is to drift until desperation at which point they find one more person to use as a crutch (either through the persons benevolence or through outright theft) for yet another pointless journey... and repeat. had i met these kids, i wouldve probably punched them... then again they probably wouldve punched me first and stolen my money. (and then given me a single line in their stupid novel.)

nickel and dimed was surprisingly good... i expected ehrenreich to be yet another retard who thinks poverty can somehow be solved by wearing pins and calling corporations evil and chanting for unsustainable wage hikes. not so! ehrenreich has three phases of going different places and trying to make ends meet with a low wage job. you could get almost everything out of this first 3 quarters of the book by reading just one of these. the last quarter of the book though is the real good stuff... its a surprisingly rational discussion on the economics of low wage workers and why economic models fail when there is a shortage of these workers and their wages do not rise. i actually feel like i learned something from this... she talks about how sometimes the working poor are not the homoeconomicus (economic man) models are based on. they make irrational decsisions (and she admits making some too) like taking lower paying jobs out of strange oedipal complexes (like a maid company of all women and a strict male manager) or fear of losing and need for a community (as was the case with the cackling old wives that worked at walmart). also she goes into a discussion of asymmetric information about wages and how workers simply dont know that their coworkers are making more or the gas station across the street is paying more, because managers make purposeful effort at keeping this information theirs alone. blahblahblah. anyway... if all this bored you, this should help... down with capitalism! walmart is evil! what do we want? higher wages! when do we want them?! now!... feel better? good. go buy some pins, asshole.

freakonomics was pretty tight, but nothing mindblowing. its actually not much economics at all so much as a book that repetetively challenges people to "think like an economist" and look at causal relationships objectively... i think most economists are pretty familiar with how much irrationality goes into peoples beliefs/decisions, and how frequently people conflate causal linkages... like there is an example of how statistically letting your kid go to a house with a pool is much more dangerous than a house with a gun, but most parents emotional responses and such would have them send their kids to the house with a pool before the house with a gun. there is a nutty discussion of legalized abortions positive correlation with reduced crime... its much stronger statistically than any of the other stuff like police methods and politics and stuff... its another example of how people want to believe things and mix up emotions and thus miss the true causal variables completely. my experience with trying to reason with people about this "economic/unemotional/rational thinking" is that they completely agree with the statistics and models at the time, but the next descision they make is like the conversation or whatever never happened. so im not sure if peoples response to this book would be any different. good luck levitt, i think i know how you feel.

the god delusion (special thanks to aussie guerilla fighters) was good, but i already agreed with everything in there, so it got a little boring sometimes... i was just reading my own opinions kind of... i suppose that can help me in formulating them for communication later... some select parts were much better than others, mainly the philosophical arguments for and against and the psychological explanations of why people insist on personifying/deifying everything. the enumeration of just how much suffering and stupidity religion has caused was kind of depressing and thus got boring and i would usually skim past it... but yeh... atheists, read it for intellectual masturbation, nonatheists, read it because youre stupid.

right now im reading liberation biology, which is awesome. the book has two things going on, one is explaining all the crazy ass shit possible with biotech and getting into a shitload of detail on the biology that makes it possible. (i definetly am reading this book slower because this information is dense as shit) but like freakonomics and the god delusion, the more normative/opinion parts, like the invisible hand effects of natural selection and evolution, might get boring since i already agree. i suppose im just sharpening my blade. which can be nice.

did you notice i started almost all of those reviews off with "it was good." or "it was bad." fifth grader style... damn im awesome.



so i always put truth above pride... and paradoxically ive made that part of my pride. is there anything wrong with that? i wont explain how, but that question is all wrapped up in a little dilemma i have.

so im torn between being the ascetic and disconnected wise ovserver, accepting idiocy and ignorance and hanging out by myself on mountain tops, completely objectively observing and not personally attached to anything, good or evil. (but that begs the question... what would be my motivation for even feeding myself?)

or... the other option... sitting on rooftops in iraq or palestine or afghanistan or sri lanka or darfur or mogadishu with an ak, unable to bear the idea of letting my fellow man fall to the slaughter of tyrants that have forsaken truth. defending each life as though it were my own... identifying and trying to make value judgements on the various factions and actors and personally attaching myself to greater causes and all that shit.

yeh... answer or not, i dont care. im probably just going to spend my life sitting in my room next to all my books and masturbate to free porn either way.

(uncontrollable sobbing.)



this part is cryptic because its about my feelings. (no i dont have feelings, fuck you.)

deer friends,

rumors are telling me i've been mourning and i haven't slept for several days. i've been turning inside out looking for reasons, and my black sorry eyes made me pale.

and i couldnt catch them, i couldnt be there, i couldnt help them at all.
it was cold.

everybody was laughing when they found us. then they let us go to hunt us down again... and still you refuse to see... why everything has to stay ugly.




so remember that court case i had? well i schooled the cop in court so it was awesome and i would go into detail but im not sure who i am right now so youll have to be satisfied with this: i went to court and basically said to the judge everything i said in my blog about it (like 2 blogs ago). i was all like "that car that honked at me? yeh that was my friend andre picking up the same people and i tried to tell you at the time but you basically told me to shut up... and the law you charged me with has nothing to do with me." and i won and everyone (other defendents in the pews) were smiley mcsmilerson at me and i wanted to give them all high fives as i triumphantly strutted out.

dear government,
suck it.



here is a little song for while you read because i love/hate you.

beach weak. i am weak from beach weak which is as it should be. i got back today and im feeling weak and hung over and miserable and awesome.

highlights? we saw 28 weeks later and then afterwards our apartment (me, paul, jason, aaron, jocelyn, chrissy, bethany, annie, helen) pulled a prank on the newdos apartment by rearranging and hiding all their stuff (in their own place) except for their hooka which we were smoking on our porch across from theirs and then like 7 people were scaling the walls and trying to bust in so we got squirt guns and fought them off like the dirty zombie fucks they were. although paul made it in through a the confusion there was some friendly fire and civil war ensued.

it took awhile but after we got control back, we decided to set up a trap and 4 brave volunteers from team zombiekill went on a mission to place the hooka as bait and when they came to get it, squirt the shit out of them. we drew guns and covertly darted across the space between our buildings to execute the mission when the government, handcuffing some drunky across the street, got wind and gave chase. we totally got that kid out of trouble because scouts on our porch watching saw him let the kid go and run after us. he caught us and thought it was a bong and he was wrong so we went about our merry way... but the government foiled our mission. but i did get chased by police giving me a 2/3 ratio for police chases during beach week.

oh and we built a 4 foot tall ziggurat sand castle that was awesome. pictures later.

and in "chris adell has the wierdest digestive system ever" news (you may remember this from such episodes as "chris has the most predictable, frequent, regular bowel movements ever") there was this one night i made a drink with well over 5 shots of 35% bacardi and absolutely nothing NOTHING happened. i thought maybe it wasnt absorbing because i had a greasy dinner and the drink i made was thick... cookies and cream ice cream and a banana and 5 shots blended... so i tried to force absorbtion with carbonation and i had a few beers. nothing. any ideas? im starting to wonder if my body actually has some mechanism where if its getting too much of something, it literally just poops it out without absorbing. im still confused.

oh and i danced my face off at the spanish galleon. woot.

on the way back i stopped off in richmond and hung out with charlie and whitney and saw some old friends which was awesome because i found out they (casey and a friend) are opening up a small shop where harrison street book store used to be. badass. im getting more into the idea of returning to richmond... it was a pretty good time.

did i mention that word on the street is that im moving back to richmond? im going to try and get my mba at vcu... i have mixed feelings because i kind of feel like a fuckup... if i had better grades at uva, i could be going to a really awesome business school in dc or something saucy like that, but since i suck im going to go take more undergrad classes at vcu and even then there is a possibility that if i dont get like straight As first semester and rock the gmats, i might not be able to get guaranteed admission into vcu grad school. grmph. whatevs, live and learn. or dont... because ive definetly felt like this before. damn im awesome/retarded.

uva graduation is tomorrow. parties abound today. woot. i still have to take a summer class to really be done, but im going to pretend im done because i feel like it.

ok i hate you bye. see you next time... unless you suddenly realize that by reading this youre actually still listening to what i have to say. which is weird.


Wednesday, May 9, 2007


is going far far away...

my musical tendencies just got a lot quieter... and slower... and sadder...

... ... beach...! ... ... weak... ... ... ... ... ...

... ... ...fuck.


an ode to beach weak.

an ode to beach weak...

i'm falling face first into a painting
of a hallucinogenic sunset
at vital beach, vital beach, vital beach, yeah!
vital beach, vital beach

well i'm the boy on the beach with the guitar
all the sharks' beretta's go
"click click click click click click click!!"
we're the band on the stage at the wedding
by the sea with frozen t-t-t-t-tidal waves

alright, she's a concubine turned trophy wife
he's a high profile ceo
all the seagulls mutter
"what'cha doing with your life?"
and vomit laugh tracks on your lead solos

brittle, brittle moon!
we're grieving for you
brittle, brittle moon!
held together with glue
and we sing
"everybody's waiting for you to drop!"
and fall face first into another painting

i'm falling face first into a painting
of a hallucinogenic seascape
at vital beach, vital beach, vital beach, yeah!
vital beach, vital beach

i'm the boy in the sharkskin tuxedo
all my friends are screaming,
"yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!!"
my agent said i should chew off my own face
i have no taste and anything could help

sing it again, "three cheers for opportunity!"
this is the year of speedboats and summer homes
still the seagulls mutter
"what'cha doing with your life?"
and vomit laugh tracks on your career goals

brittle, brittle moon!
we're grieving for you
brittle, brittle moon!
held together with glue
and we sing
"everybody's waiting for you to drop!"
and fall face first into another painting

at vital beach, vital beach, vital beach, yeah!
vital beach, vital beach

at vital beach, vital beach, vital beach, yeah!
vital beach, vital beach

at vital beach, vital beach, vital beach, yeah!
vital beach, vital beach

at vital beach, vital beach, vital beach, yeah!
vital beach, vital beach

at vital beach, vital beach, vital beach, yeah!
vital beach, vital beach

Thursday, May 3, 2007


yeh, i know i have a lot of iraq blogs.

whatever, screw you.

sooo you know whats annoying? iraq. sooo you know why? because everybody talks about the debate in terms of american lives. and thats just gay.

so about the all the withdrawal shit, as of right now, im pretty convinced that would suck for iraq.

all the liberal pussies keep talking about how starting the war was wrong. fine, i mostly agree... but for some reason everyone just assumes that means the us should withdraw... im not sure i see the connection. starting the war is a sunk cost... it doesnt have any bearing on what we should do now.

and all the conservative dicks keep talking about how we should support our troops... but for some reason everyone just assumes that means they should stay... again, i dont see the connection. just saying "support the troops" says nothing about what actions would "support the troops".

im going to post this now and go do some gymnastics and think about giving some more information on what i think... but for now ill leave you with this...

most iraqis agree that violence would be worse if the us leaves. furthermore, general petraeus is a badass. i like the outpost idea, its more dangerous for the us troops, but cowering on bases isnt exactly going to make it any safer. he has a sign on his desk that reads "how have you helped the iraqis today?" and makes everyone answer before they talk to him. when he was pulled in front of congress, he begged them for more time. i say we give it to him. along with whatever else he wants, including more troops.

and i say that out of my concern for iraq, not out of concern for the us.

so before you antiwar hippies start ranting about how terrible this war/america is, try sucking it. it tastes good... so fuck you.


Thursday, March 15, 2007


so tonight i got pulled over after i picked some kids up in the rain. the cop pretty clearly couldnt articulate what i did illegal, other than to ramble yelling about how i was driving like i was drunk or something...

heres the deal...

c: what the hell are you doing?! do you have an excuse for driving like that?
$: picking up my friends in the rain. no need for all of us to get wet.
c: oh, by making an illegal uturn (not true) and running a red light?! (not true either.)
$: well the way i see it- (notice question mark at the end of his sentence. must have been rhetorical. silly me.)
c: i dont care how you see it! have you been drinking?
$: (giggle) nope.
c: do you always drive like this when youre sober?
$: huh? umm... not usually? (thats a leading question.)
c: not usually huh? i sure hope not! (storms off with my shit i passed whilst talking.)

so he returns and says the usual formal crap and gives me a summons charging me with...

§ 46.2-893. Improper stopping to take on or discharge cargo or passengers. (thats whats written anyway.)

so i got home and looked it up. here it is written correctly...

§ 46.2-893. Stopping on highways to discharge cargo or passengers; school buses.

No truck or bus, except a school bus, shall be stopped wholly or partially on the traveled portion of any highway outside of cities and towns for the purpose of taking on or discharging cargo or passengers unless the operator cannot leave the traveled portion of the highway with safety. A school bus may be stopped on the traveled portion of the highway when taking on or discharging school children, but these stops shall be made only at points where the bus can be clearly seen for a safe distance from both directions.

(Code 1950, § 46-257; 1950, p. 941; 1956, c. 505; 1958, c. 541, § 46.1-250; 1960, c. 256; 1989, c. 727.)

apparantly this law is for busses and the highway. even if its not, it still doesnt seem to apply to me.

so now i have to wake up at 9 am on some thursday to deal with the state and its stupid fuckup agents. sigh. hopefully i dont get sentenced to 30 days in jail for a traffic offense again.


Wednesday, March 14, 2007


so i went to phoenix and la! it was saucy. i got free dental work and new lease on valhalla.

airplanes are fun. and so is the spanish civil war if youre a warrior spirit. man your battlestations! (well have you dead pretty soon.) but youll die strong, in right wing fashion.

speaking of fashion, ive officially decided im at the center of every trend ever in the universe ever. those big butt things on victorian bitches? yeh that was me. i started doing it for my posture and it just blossomed from there.

heres another thing. im competent! in a nice life, put the spider in you. you live a nice life with the spider in you. arachnophobia! disregard that you live a nice life with the spider in you.

hey guys... want to see my colon?



speaking of perversion, you know whats fucked up? salmonilla poisoning. heres what i think of when i hear the word salmonilla.

(.. )<

be strong! in right wing fashion! you fascist.

ok heres a plan...

1. eat the graham crackers.
2. vomit.
3. regret everything.
4. celebrate your humanity by clinging to the fuselage while singing madonna.
5. repeat.

did you know that once i had a cd made for me called "inspirational hymns to get the fuck over yourself"? it was nice, but i didnt get over shit. nor do i really know what im supposed to get over. (just kidding... i know.)

so heres a dilemma... so lets assume that value can be objectively measured... not that anyone can ever actually account for all the factors but they are out there. like if you were a god and somehow could account for every factor, you would be able to always order your preferences from best to worst based on cost benefit payoff shit, (to include expected value based on risk). now should pleasure be a factor in the value or not? like what if you know something is the best value, like flying a plane instead of a car... but you just dont like it. lets say its for images sake, you just think cars are so much cooler, not for any rational reason. or maybe its a fear of flying. irrational again, you know the probability of harm is higher driving than flying. but youre scared anyway and thus will be super miserable flying... so yeh... whats the "right" thing to do? when talking about objective values, are irrational emotions allowed in the account?

given all that, so maybe just maybe my wierdnesses that maybe i should get over are things i dont want to change just because i think theyre kind of cool, irrationally so. but no one has been able to argue me to a corner to convince me of that. (the people who say it are usually not the argumentative types.) anyway im on plane and i like how the world actually looks pretty fucking organized from up here.

heres the deal... the first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one... but what if i like this? i mean... its efficient and fun. (which we all know are mutually exclusive.)

so i think i accidentally convinced someone that i really believe efficiency and fun are mutually exclusive. apparently they didnt know me well enough to tell if i was joking or not.

lets fix this...

for illustrative purposes here are some things that are indeed mutually exclusive...

1. paul hiatt and gorillas. not to be confused with the gorilla banana theft scene in "under no circumstances: the paul hiatt saga."
2. autobiographies and coolness. if you were cool enough, someone else wouldve written shit about you. so fuck you.
3. salmon and dinosaurs. if the two were meant to live together, god wouldve put them together. you know, because god controls everything... right?... ... ... wow for a second there i felt my entire universe collapsing under a terrible weight. but i said a prayer and i feel better now.
4. how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? i think that pretty much just abrubtly ended this list/tangent because i realized explaining myself is worthless. (you know... hitler said the same thing.)

so heres an idea. back in the day i used to write a lot of psychobabble (ill post one for you later). im pretty sure i could write a hundred or more pages of rambling muses that would contain a lot of comedic gems, the only problem is, am i the only one that finds them funny? whatever. im going to write a book. if you dont like it, ill pee on you and maybe get a little on myself in the process. man i really want to pee on someone right now... sigh... (lovestruck.)

ok its over. go away.


Saturday, February 17, 2007

party time.

party at my house on... some night... ok copy and past facebook invite.



..> ..> ..>..>
Event Info
sacrifice lauren hayden to the dragon.
the dragon is hungry!
..> ..> ..>..>
Time and Place
Start Time:
Saturday, February 24, 2007 at 10:05pm
End Time:
Sunday, February 25, 2007 at 5:35am
my house!
1122b john street (directions)
charlottesville, VA
..> ..> ..>..>
Contact Info


half lauren haydens birthday, half dragon feast. no oatmeal packets allowed in. dont bring them or ill throw you out and you wont get to meet the dragon. bring all your friends (unless they have oatmeal.)

i suppose if you forget that you have an oatmeal packet in your pocket or accidentally bring a friend that brought an oatmeal packet because they just didnt know any better, you can stand outside and eat it really quick and then come in, but that could give you a tummy ache and then youd be screwed because tummy aches are the worst. the absolute worst! am i right? (nudge nudge.) right? ... ... ...

and hey. dont make fun of the drawing. it probably took someone a long time. you wouldnt want people to laugh at you if you did something that took a really long time, would you? i didnt think so.

oh and one more thing. there wont be a dragon because dragons dont exist and you should know that by now, but if you didnt then you should thank me, because i had to learn the hard way. (wow, thats a really long sentence.) but yeh. it was really hard.

ok so yeh. woah this font is really big just like my heart! (giggle giggle.)

Wednesday, January 31, 2007


smashkans new and improved roadmap for the middle east...

so lets just acknowledge whats up in the middle east. iran and quasi shia alawite syria is sucking and fucking up everything everywhere. its the plo/fatah, lebanons gov, iraqs insurgency, the us, and israel fighting a bunch of little proxy wars against iran. in palestine, its the plo/fatah fighting irans little syrian protected hamas bitches. in lebanon, its the suni/phalangist government fighting irans syrian backed little hezbollah bitches. in iraq, its iraqs suni insurgents fighting irans little mahdi army (muqtada al-sadr)/badr brigade (sciri) bitches.

this puts the us and israel in a funky fresh position because to confront a nuclear armed iran and the shia arc, they will de facto support the plo/fatah in palestine, and the insurgency in iraq. weird, but kind of cool. well basically, why doesnt everyone just acknowledge that and go with it? now acknowledging all that, heres how shit goes down...

step one: fuck up those iranian gayasses by cementing the alliance.

the us and europe give turkey eu membership and favorable terms in cyprus in exchange for chilling the fuck out and letting kurdistan go. similarly, the us and the kurds give iraqs insurgency kirkuk in exchange for chilling the fuck out and letting kurdistan go and allying against those iranian bitches in the shia south. yeh this would dissolve iraq, but lets stop kidding ourselves, that shits fucked anyway.

now youve got the us, kurdistan, iraqs suni insurgency, and turkey down with the alliance. onward to the holy land!

so basically my deal fucks over israel. (who wouldve thought?!) whatevs. the us threatens to pull support for israel unless israel agrees to go along with the plan. theyve got noone, so theyll listen. israel feigns defeat against the lebanonese army and the plo so that public support for hezbollah and hamas shifts to lebanons government and the plo. the lebanese army invades shebaa and israel retreats, no fight, no casualties. the plo (abu mazn aka mahmoud abbas) declares independence and statehood under his control in the 1967 borders with us backing, and israel feigns being forced to accept it in the west bank, but israel covertly supports the plo against hamas in gaza by refusing to acknowledge the hamas controlled gaza strip, making it obvious that gaza would become part of an independent palestine if the plo makes short work of hamas there. it should be easy because if hamas chooses to fight against the plo, theyll have to do it with little or no public support.

ok now youve got the plo, lebanon, and israel down with the alliance.

so youve got the alliance solidified. iranian gayasses plus their little bitches in red, the forces of awesomeness/unlikely alliance (plo+lebanon+iraq insurgency+us+israel) in blue.

step 2: start a war.

so now you amass troops to get ready for the assault on iranian gayasses plus their little bitches! woot. amass your troops and prepare to invade.

it all starts when kurdistan declares independence and statehood with turkish and suni iraqi consent. iran and their syrian alawite bitches will probably retaliate by clamping down on their kurds or outright retaliate against kurdistan, and so kurdistan will respond with the peshmerga fucking them up and invading kurdish iran and syria to liberate their comrades. in the off chance the gayasses dont retaliate, whatever, invade anyway to liberate and unify all of kurdistan.

step 3: invading the little bitches.

israel uses the syrian-kurdish war as a cassus belli and invades syria from the golan heights in the south to help their kurdish allies. israelis and kurds fuck shit up until they meet in the middle and high five, fucking up all of the hamas leadership in exile on the way, so the plo invades gaza and fucks up hamas while their leadership is all in disarray. the lebanese army simultaneously invades southern lebanon and disarms/fucks up hezbollah, now totally cutoff from iranian/syrian support by isreal.

step 4: invade the main gayasses.

the us uses the iranian-kurdish war as a cassus belli and invades iran simultaneously through afghanistan and through suni iraq to help their kurdish allies, cutting iran off from its bitches in iraq. simultaneously, the us and the sunis should fuck them now cutoff iraqi/iranian bitches up (aka al-sadr and the mahdi army, the sciri and the badr brigades) and continue on to iranian arabistan and take irans oil while adding arabistan to an eventual future iraq without shia (or any sectarian) political parties. the kurds, iraqs sunis, and the us afghan invasion and iraqi invasion all meet up and high five in the middle (like tehran or something), destroying nuclear facilities on the way.

step 5: rock out with your cock out and redraw the map.

kurdistan is liberated and united. theyre already democratic and shit... no changes to government needed here, just let them govern all their fellow kurds.

israel offers to permenantly let go of the shebaa farms for permanent peace and normalized relations with lebanon, and lebanon accepts.

israel offers the portion of what used to be syria it captures in helping the kurds to palestine in exchange for a permanent peace agreement and normalized relations. the plo begrudgingly accepts this to be viewed as the liberator of the last arabs under occupation. israel now lives in peace and security with all its neighbors.

the us and the league of arab states sets up an electoral commission made up of a few prominent secularists that regulates to ensure no sectarian (aka, no islamist) political parties are allowed to form/run in elections.

this commission runs new elections in iran. it also holds new elections in iraq (which without sectarian or islamist parties, is naturally biased for the alliance's suni buddies, now without kurdistan but plus arabistan). it also oversees new elections in palestine (now huge).

everyone rocks out in kurdistan (yellow) and palestine (neon green) and israel and iraq. and those shia islamist iranian gayasses cry after democratic elections are held in iran with no islamist parties allowed.


oh and chad and egypt back an sla takeover in sudan in exchange for the halaib triangle for good measure. oh and etheopia kill somlias islamists. oh wait, they already did that. (fuck yeah.)

p.s. this is a terrible idea inspired by a joke on elliotts blog but now ive spent too much time on it to deal with the self esteem implications on having spent this much time on a terrible joke.

p.p.s. this map totally destroys eritrea. whatever... they get france.

silly poo...

Arkansas State Constitution, Article 19 Section 1 ("Miscellaneous Provisions")
No person who denies the being of a God shall hold any office in the civil departments of this State, nor be competent to testify as a witness in any court.

Maryland's Declaration of Rights, Article 36
"That as it is the duty of every man to worship God in such manner as he thinks most acceptable to Him, all persons are equally entitled to protection in their religious liberty; wherefore, no person ought by any law to be molested in his person or estate, on account of his religious persuasion, or profession, or for his religious practice, unless, under the color of religion, he shall disturb the good order, peace or safety of the State, or shall infringe the laws of morality, or injure others in their natural, civil or religious rights; nor ought any person to be compelled to frequent, or maintain, or contribute, unless on contract, to maintain, any place of worship, or any ministry; nor shall any person, otherwise competent, be deemed incompetent as a witness, or juror, on account of his religious belief; provided, he believes in the existence of God, and that under His dispensation such person will be held morally accountable for his acts, and be rewarded or punished therefore either in this world or in the world to come."

Massachusetts' State Constitution, Article 3
"Any every denomination of Christians, demeaning themselves peaceably, and as good subjects of the commonwealth, shall be equally under the protection of the law: and no subordination of any one sect or denomination to another shall ever be established by law."

Mississippi State Constitution. Article 14 ("General Provisions"), Section 265
No person who denies the existence of a Supreme Being shall hold any office in this state.

North Carolina's State Constitution, Article 6 Section 8
"Disqualifications of office. The following persons shall be disqualified for office: First, any person who shall deny the being of Almighty God."

Pennsylvania's State Constitution, Article 1 Section 4
"No person who acknowledges the being of a God and a future state of rewards and punishments shall, on account of his religious sentiments, be disqualified to hold any office or place of trust or profit under this Commonwealth."

South Carolina's State Constitution, Article 4 Section 2
"No person shall be eligible to the office of Governor who denies the existence of the Supreme Being; ..."

Tennessee's State Constitution, Article 9 Section 2
"No person who denies the being of God, or a future state of rewards and punishments, shall hold any office in the civil department of this state."

Texas' State Constitution, Article 1 Section 4
"No religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office, or public trust, in this State; nor shall any one be excluded from holding office on account of his religious sentiments, provided he acknowledge the existence of a Supreme Being."

who wants candy?!?!?! (wiggle wiggle.)