quarters.

dear diary,

today was a fun day. i went to the state fair, even though my mom told me not to go. brad was there. he was so cute in his new pants. i have such a major crush on him. he is like, so totally the coolest.

after the fair, i went over to his house and fucked the shit out of him. i wouldnt even have done that for my boyfriend! gigglegiggle.

i hope i can see him again soon. im so excited about brad, i havent even had time to think about the possibility that i could give my boyfriend aids. i know i dont know him very well, but i dont care because brad is so totally cute.

i dyed my hair today.

-susan

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AHHHHHHHHHH!

ahahaha!!AAAHHH . wow that was insane. i got in a fight!!!! AHHHHH!!! ok so story time.

so pauls big 15th anniversary acapella concert was last night. after concert we were walking with helencindymiles and they were lagging way behing like a block behind cuz they were all drunk and slow and silly.

a block away from party me and paul walking with miles helen and cindy walking about a block behind us, 3 guys walking the opposite direction, the third one just punches paul in the stomach for absolutely NOOOO reason whatsoever. (like we didnt even make eye contact i dont think)

and i turn around and im like "what the fuck?" and the guys like "you gonna do something" and i go "yeh" and i went after him and he started running and i chased him fer like 10 seconds or something. i stop in some church parking lot and yell some explative at him as he just keeps running and disappears.

then i turn around to walk back and 4 guys are standing in the church parking lot and cmoing towards me. it was all movie like ahhh. and i was like god im fucked.

so one of them knocks me down and i got punched a few times in the face (i think... its all kinda blurry from there but my jaw hurts)

but heres the wierdest part... next thing i remember is it ended just because im standing in the grass next to the parking lot and 3 of em are walking towards me and i look at them and liike put my hands down and yell out "ALRIGHT HOLD ON.... what the fuck?!"

i remember when i said it i was standing in the grass on the side of the parking lot like ten feet away from where i got knocked down and theyre kinda walking towards me. (how the hell did i end up there?)

and theyre like "well you were chasing our friend." and i go "well he punched my friend for absolutely no reason... what do you expect?" and then we all just kinda look at eachother and blink a lot, and then they all just take off.

i didnt know what had happened to paul, but apparently one of the four ran over to paul who was still by the street like a little ways away and him and paul were dancing (and by dancing i mean punching eachother).

at this point, miles helen and cindy had caught up to where paul was and saw them jump in a red pickup truck with a confederate flag on the front plate and a missouri license plate on the back. as they drove off miles and paul kinda ran after fer a little bit, but the kids reached down and covered the plates.

i walked back to the street from the church and see cindy and helen. they told me miles and paul were running after them. i called paul and he told me he had called the cops (horrible idea, cuz wed totally get in trouble for assault too...) and told them stuff... but at this point the kids were gone and we went to the party and continued about our business.

but im retardadly confused about a whole bunch of stuff.

first, why the fuck did that kid punch paul?

second, why did he say "you gonna do something?" like he would fight, and when i looked like i was, run away and disappear.

third, where the fuck did those other 2 guys come from? maybe they were behind them and i didnt see em or something... but wierd.

fourth, why the hell did his friends step in to try defend that shit? i mean... yeh if its like a slowly escalated exchange or something, sure, defend your friend. (or in my case, if someone punches your friend for absolyutly no reason.) but what kind of dickhead defends someone who just punched a kid half his size for no reason at all.

fifth, why the hell did everyone just stop when i yelled out "ALRIGHT< HOLD ON." AHHH!??!!?!!! and i was kinda like why the hell are we fighting? and everyone kinda looks around and just runs off. i mean... did they not know that the guy i was chasing had just punched paul? because when i said "what the fuck?" (as in, why the hell are WE fighting?) they were like "well you were chasing our friend" and when i replied "well your friend just punched mine for absolutely no reason, what do you expect?" they all kinda of like... agreed or something. AHHHHHH. 3 of them and just me, so its not like im very threatening at this point. so like... what couldve possibly stoppped them except for me telling them that their friend had just punched mine? god... so fucking weird. but i dunno... i feel like it would have been impossible not to see that... they were walking in front of him i suppose... hmm...

anyway yeh. im not sure what happened fer like a some unknown amount time period. all i remember is getting knowed down and then next thing i was standing in the grass like 10 feet away and like, talking with them... oh and my jaw hurts a lot today... (luckily i had corn beef hash for breakfast which is soft and gooey.)

what a weird and confusing chain of events.

belgium.

today, i went to outback with james paul and lauren and had lots of food. then we hookahed and watched family guy. yesterday, i went to laurens and we made ourselves a saucy dinner then me and paul went to jasons dorm and listen to jason and the poops (aka avp) cover coldplay, the scientist, which made me think of how far i am now from before and how i still think of before so much more than any other time ever. dont know if i like it, but its there. then all of us went to alexs drom room and drank saucy drinks and played scrabble and i somehow tied paul for the lead, which made me happy because i had the shittiest letters of everyone. the night before that i had a fat dinner with the family in nova and then hung out with laura in richmond. the night before that me and andre had a grilling burgers and hot dogs with pat dean steve pratt whitney christin aamber lizzy katie in richmond. the night before that i saw engine down in charlottesville and then hookahed and my house with lenin andre paul and some richmonders and made friends with their uva friends. the night before that me and paul had a fierce debate about cultural relativism which started because we had to help lauren on a paper where she defended it which is a horrible idea when im around. i dont really remember what the night was before that... but whenver i think of what ive done in the past few days i think i like life. still, theres so much more i want to do. the days should be longer. the years too. i wish i could live for at least twice as long. and stay this age for a really l0ong time... like 5 more years at least. im not sure where im going with all this... but umm... i like apples. its also funny to think of the people that ever have something against me and stuff... cuz yeh. theyre usually later either way exposed in a giant crap shit of theyre own whilst i was a deflection for the blame. im thinking of how a day or two ago i got flustered because julia was calling me a psycho in her internet crap because i was nice enough to make her a cd i promised her even though we arent together anymore. i thought maybe after she called me a psycho for making her something i shouldnt give it to her, and instead tell everyone and make a big deal about how she deleted all my internet shit and blahblahblah... but then i thought about it for a minute or two and then felt sorry for her and made her a nice case for her cd which i will give her on her birthday. and then i thought some more (and by that i mean thought just now,) how everyone that has ever crossed me ive ended up just feeling sorry for. and thats kind of cool. i think i like myself. but still not as much as i like andre weldy. because he is awseome. and noww tommy just sent me richard cheese's cover of nine inch nails which is funny. and another thing that is funny is the n in nails looks backwards to me because its the right way. nine inch nails was one of my favoritest bands once upon a time. along with rage and tool. i would like to learn musical instruments. i would like to see more of the world. i would like to start a hookah bar chain in all college towns, and go to grad school, and start an economic development company and work for the u.n. and also teach. and also i want to wage guerilla warfare against lots of governments and be a professor in economics someday. i also would like to raise a kid awesomely and have a lenin-poo around too. i also want to write a lots of things about econ and poitics and stuff. basically just a compilation of all of me and andre and tommy brendan mark pauls conversations ever. the world would be way enlightened. i wish i had recorded all those... but i got most of it i think. blahblahblah. anyway. yeh. life is fun. i wish i had more of it. i mean that in both the "i need to get a life" sense, and the "im overflowing my stupid physical confines with desire." just kidding. more the second one. im so full of myself. but yeh... what a good description. im full, and need more of myself to actually do it all. ive filled myself. im full. of myself. woo. maybe too rosy? not everything is perfect... but then again, what the hell would i do with myself if it was? be bored i suppose. i always wonder too... who the hell reads these? ...blahblahblah enough for now. waffles. toodles poodles.

shutup.

You can bet when mid-october end's I'll still be ranting 'bout most early may.
Yeah, he's a winner.
He's a goddamn sinner.
While he dines I'm on the wrong side of the day.
And I said, "I don't understand why I'm fumbling after"
Yeah, you're the reason I cannot forget this season,
Or the lesson how an ape shall not kill ape.

You can't trust a man who's a governor
Ape can't trust man.
You can't trust a man with a gun at all.
Ape can't trust man.

How can you heal?
If you don't ease back the blame.
Knowing you're right, won't you heal?

turkmenistan.

wierd day... ghosts followed me everywhere i went. they were even in my classes learning calculus. i saw some other people with ghosts of their own.

i remembered how i used to have recess... i wish i still had recess. i listened to some glassjaw and remembered when i didnt have recess anymore.

so many contradictions to sort, so many ghost wandering around in my apartment. i would like to speak to them, but they dont talk. they just follow me to my classes. i have a new bike that goes pretty fast, but they always keep up. i wish they took notes for me in class or maybe made me dinner or something, but the more they hang around, the more i think theyre useless. still, i hesitate to send them away... i worry that were i to leave them behind, i would condemn them to be forever useless when they may have some purpose in the future...

but keeping them around is difficult. especially because one of the ghosts masturbates to internet porn far too often and i need my computer for schoolwork...

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