Saturday, October 25, 2008

obama.

Smashkan Officially Endorses Obama
October 25, 2008

RICHMOND — Local semi-drunkard and occasional blogger Christopher Ashkan Adell, better known by those that mildly dislike him as "Smashkan," was found earlier this morning lying in a refuse pile mumbling the lyrics to Atlanta hip-hop artist Young Jeezy's "My President Is Black."

After being prodded for a few minutes by a homeless passerby, Adell first shielded his eyes from the sun and asked, "Can I have some lemonade?" He then began to sob uncontrollably and shifted to another refuse pile while mumbling a few barely discernable sentences including, "I once ran over my own cat, so now I'm a cyborg. So what if I can't feel my arms? You don't have arms, do you? And castles, they get on just fine without arms, always keeping the peasants out of prison and safe in the bath tub where the robots can't find them. Plus the robots think they can grow hair, but I'm the real deal. I mean, how much does Rogaine cost, anyway?" Mr. Adell then fell back asleep.

During this time, investigators found that Adell's internet history revealed repeat visits to Blaaahg's October 12th blog entry and barackobamaisyournewbicycle.com as well as a strange Yahoo! Answers entry and several distasteful "dragon porn" websites.

Artist Young Jeezy along with Nas, who has often walked a fine line between being socially conscious and rebellious, salutes Mr. Obama on his song, "My President Is Black," a cut off of his new "Recession" album. On this particular track, Young Jeezy talks of his struggles with trusting mainstream society, but concludes: "This a hands on policy, y'all touchin me right nigga’."

Similar songs by artists such as Nas and Jay-Z manage to mention Mr. Obama in a positive light without bashing his opponents.

After several more hours of sleeping in refuse, Adell agreed to sit down for an interview. Mr. Adell insisted on conducting the interview while lying down on his kitchen floor and occasionally ignored the interviewer while squinting and passionately singing an impromptu mash-up of Haddaway's "What Is Love" and Trillville's "Neva Eva."

During a rare transient moment of alertness, Mr. Adell surprised reporters when he coherently opined on the topic of the interview.

"Obama has some pretty amazing qualities that don’t necessarily have anything to do with his presidential competency. Just because of who he is, his presidency would bring renewed credibility to America’s image in the world. And as much as I don’t think America should be making decisions solely for love and attention, a kid being brainwashed in some Waziristan madrasa is going to want an explanation from his bushy bearded mullahs when a minority first generation immigrant who went to school in Indonesia with a name like Barrack Hussein Obama becomes president in a country supposedly controlled by a Jewish and Christian-Zionist alliance – AIPAC’s seriously unfortunate grip on the U.S. government aside.

I disagree with him on a lot of the things, the most important of these being his protectionism and his Iraq policy. During the primaries, Obama said he wanted to have all combat troops out within 16 months, which I believe to be a risky political maneuver. Luckily he has moderated that stance and said he would take into account ‘conditions on the ground’ and the advice of top commanders. As for the protectionism, I just find it hard to believe someone so educated and so eloquent can seriously rail against free trade. But on this position as well, Obama has moderated his stance and come out saying that he ‘supports free trade,’ but would like to make sure it’s ‘conducted fairly.’

I’m a libertarian, so obviously I won’t agree with him on everything. But who he is – his ability to change America’s image, his ability to inspire and call people to action, his ability to seek the advice of great minds like Warren Buffet and Paul Krugman, his unique insight on the experience of the marginalized American that only someone with a financially unstable and generally troubled youth can understand, and his foreign policy perspective that only someone who grew up abroad with a foreign parent can understand – those outweigh our disagreements."

Adell then began eating a nearby paper towel and laughing, presumably at his inability to control his own sobbing.

Reporters gave up attempting to wrest any additional coherent thoughts from Mr. Adell when he began a mediocre freestyle rap about his anger with the recent violence at local dance parties and the malaise of being unloved and unemployed, mediocre at freestyle rapping, and hopelessly obsessed with the idea of "coming on Sarah Palin's glasses." The freestyle also contained several strange homoerotic references to Mr. Adell's cousin, Andre Weldy, who, according to the freestyle rap, "bitches will always like better." As reporters left, Mr. Adell invited them to that evening's planned party where he assured reporters that "all seven of my friends are definitely coming."