Monday, February 28, 2005

mortal kombat.

why is it scary?

when one takes interest and is not only willing to listen when you open up, but desires that you do so and you do nothing, thoughts will drift to "why?" and all possible answers are diconcerting at best.

what better can the world expect when i leave my doors wide open and theirs have been sealed shut since a night off 95. if my doors are constantly wide open, but the rest of the world has multiple locks on multiple doors, how should i feel? and if therein lies the root of inequity, along with its natural corallaries, distrust and regret.

furthermore, i am what some may regard as an idealistic oddity. i refuse to lock my doors. but i am as rare as the locks are numerous...

if you build a gate, expect it to keep you in as much as it keeps others out. if you build a wall, your view from the inside cant be much better than the view from the outside. if you build a border, dont expect that the conditions can ever be seperate but equal.

barriers will lead to inequity. and inequity to distrust. and distrust to opportunism. and to stave off opportunism, you will need more barriers.

i thought it simple enough.

intrestingly, only two people have ever used opportunism to wrest anything of any real value from me... both own many locks. figuratively speaking, of course. and sometimes i wonder if both were a reaction to the threat of me locking them out, simultaneously vindicating and ensuring my action and thereby justifying their own...

i hate locks. i will swear them off forever for those that reciprocally have none for me. and the idea of locking such a person out is sometimes as uncomfortable as the threat of theft. especially when i have seen the reactions enumerated above.

and that was nothing more than a formal decleration of something that has always been true. and shall continue to be.

i have a couple locks. i would like to throw them away someday, but it is not really my choice... the theft has been so demonstrated as to be certain by reasonable judgment. but my judgement? i will always invite evidence to the contrary for my judgement has no lock.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

for my beloved pattycakes.

This is a survey.

1.Who are you? dan the barbarian.
2. Are we friends? no.
3. When and how did we meet? yesterday at the hot dog paradise stand outside your living room.
4. Do you have a crush on me? maybe...
5. Would you kiss me? hell semo.
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. clever with idiocy.
7. Describe me in one word. because youre really clever.
8. What was your first impression? shut up and fuck me.
9. Do you still think that way about me now? only whilst showering.
10. What reminds you of me? pinatas.
11. If you could give me anything what would it be? a new pair of eyeglasses.
12. How well do you know me? shut up and fuck me like you did micheal combs.
13. When's the last time you saw me? thursday at the yacht bar.
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? yes.
15. Do you love me? don't you want to know what it is?
16. Do you Miss me? of course.
17. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you? yes.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005


I can try all I want... but if the governed doesn’t consent, the barrel of the gun is all that’s left. It’s hidden in justice paraphrased, in holy texts and occupations’ pretexts. (Apostrophe goes after the s in occupations. It’s a plural!)

Is there a universal truth? To negate the universal is to negate truth. Is all knowledge socially constructed? What a joke.

Let’s assume it is that an idea is justification for itself. Those birds are all purple because we believe they are all purple. Those atoms really didn’t exist until we discovered them. That mass hysteria proves the existence of the mass hallucination. That the world was flat when we believed it was flat, and the pope is always right because we believe him to be right.

The truth can change according to what we believe? Nay I say, but it is the other way. What we believe must change according to the truth. Truth is a higher power than humans, and we can’t circumvent that. Humans are powerless against it, so call me a crusader whose cause can’t be defeated.

To attempt to negate cause and effect... to expect the food without growing it, to expect the effect without concerning oneself with the cause... is to either subjugate oneself to those who do understand and beg them for what is theirs, or die of starvation.

So back to the idea that all knowledge is socially constructed... what can we conclude? Socially constructed ideas are not true, but instead mass hysteria about cause and effect, in which the effect is attributed to some cause other than the mass hysteria.

So there was this one time, there was a gas leak at some school, and everyone found out and got really sick and puked and went to hospitals. Then they found out... no gas leak. Funny... they attributed the cause to gas, when in fact it was mass hysteria. But because they all believed there was gas, and the effect of gas was present, people assumed that the existence of gas must be true. They thought that the effect proved the cause. Backwards, eh?

It’s also funny how people do what the mass hysteria tells them to do.

Like when mass hysteria says that being American means eating hamburgers, so everyone eats hamburgers and believes in the cause and effect as true, when the causal factor is in fact the mass hysteria.

And trying to take advantage of that particular mass hysteria is at the heart of a whole lot of ideas floating around right now. Ideas that would crumble if people didn’t buy the mass hysteria that being American, or any other nationality for that matter, is an appropriate cause for whatever effect they want you to believe in.

I would even go so far as to say that you can’t even define a nationality without using social constructs. There is no basis in reality for a national identity. It always comes to a contradiction.

The fundamental basis of logic is that there is existence and nonexistence, and that you can only prove existence. You cannot prove nonexistence. I can’t prove there are no atoms, I can only prove there are. I can’t prove I don’t have weapons of mass destruction, I can only show you if I do. To believe a negative because it cannot be disproven is to accept simultaneously a billion contradicting ideas. Let’s say I’m standing outside a sealed room, and I know there is a light inside, but I don’t know if it’s on or off. But neither can be disproven. So am I to believe that the light is both on and off? Well sure, if you believe that inability to disprove something is proof of its existence.

And after all that, I will say that if you assert the existence of a something that separates one nationality from another, I would ask you to prove the existence of some definitive cause for the effect of someone’s given nationality. A reason borders are where they are.

And their existence is not a justification for their existence. I want to know what the causal factor is. If you can prove it without using a social construction, I will give you a dollar and my gratitude.

And while you’re busy proving nationalism, try to prove racism and cultural relativism. It’s just as difficult. You’ll find that the cause is always its own effect. It’s only true because everyone believes it’s true and no other cause exists. It’s mass hysteria on a global scale. Kind of like when everyone believed the world wasn’t a globe at all.

So what have we learned? That association is not causation... but I think everyone already knew that... so what else? That there is a universal truth... there is always a cause and effect relationship and existences that can be definitively proven.

Believing something with all your heart won’t make it true. Truth is fixed and universal, unchanging and eternal, all encompassing and infinite in scope. Sounds religious doesn’t it? Except that I don’t ask for a person’s faith in believing it. I would rather eat my kittens. I don’t need their faith. Only their rationality.

Which brings me to my next rant... there is a fundamental difference between those whose cause is furthered by people’s understanding of universal truths, and those whose cause is undermined by people’s understanding of universal truth. There is a fundamental difference between those who ask for your faith, and those who would rather... umm... eat their kittens. There are those who can prove what they assert and only ask you to listen and decide for yourself, and those who teach that nothing can be proven and ask that you do not ask. Let’s call them proponents of rationality, and detractors of rationality.

These detractors are aplenty. There are lots of people who would prefer you didn’t think. And there are plenty of people who would prefer not to think... people for the detractors to use as fodder for their own irrational ends. The contempt for the intellectual scares me beyond words... but so many people buy it.

Which is what makes mass hysteria such a powerful force. So who do you know who co-opts mass hysteria? Who do you know that hates when you identify it for what it really is? Maybe Mao? Maybe Osama? Maybe your friend Samuel and his llama Joseph Stalin? Maybe religious fanatics, maybe nationalist nut jobs?

And finally, I ask... of proponents and detractors, whom should you trust? Well I won’t ask for you to let me decide. I’ll just ask that you use your own judgment of that universal truth... and I’m confident that the more rational you are, the further my cause is carried.

You may ask why I wrote all this crap... well I wrote it to convince you to do the following... buy American, preempt the terrorists, convert the infidels, and clear the way for our glorious Aryan race to dominate the globe.

And if you demand rationality of those that have none, your answer will invariably is the barrel of a gun. Whose gun? Who cares?

Monday, February 14, 2005

ashkan back.

The Quest for the New Jersey Tomato

It all started in the Holy Mountains of Azur. The Sword of Eternal Unity shined forth upon all the land from a cliff on high. The civilizations of all the world raised praises to the Sword every year in a mass ceremony in which all the peoples of all the lands came together to worship, and formed an unbreakable union of all the nations that would guarantee peace and prosperity for the next year... until one day...

There was a young and ambitious Swiss scientist by the name of Albert Curon. Albert was too ambitious. He was bent on coming up with an invention that could earn him all the riches in the world... the greatest invention ever! He sought to create this invention by any means necessary.

Albert became an evil man. He became obsessed with his invention. Everyone who knew him tried to stop him. He wouldn’t let them! He set up a secret laboratory in a cave in the mountains of Rorshach, Switzerland. He worked endlessly in the lab. He lost interest in humanity, the Sword of Eternal Unity, and all things good. However, he failed in all his attempts... until one day...

Albert was working as he normally did when suddenly he saw a strange apparition float through the caves! He called to it. It did not answer. He called it names. It did not answer. He called it all the names he knew! It did not answer! Finally, in his anger, he cursed it in the name of Satan! It answered in a roar! “That is I!”

The apparition suddenly transformed into a flaming monster! It called Albert forward, and the scientist found he could do nothing but obey. Then, the evil Satan, enemy of man, bent on destroying the unifier of all mankind, the Sword of Eternal Unity, spoke to Albert. “I will make you a deal. I will give you this invention you desire, but you must promise me something...” Albert nodded impatiently awaiting his task. Satan boomed “You must ensure that the gift I give to you shall find its way to every ocean, to every river, to every lake, to every brook, creak, puddle, and raindrop! Then, you shall have your riches young Albert.”

Albert could not believe it! It was the greatest offer he had ever had, and he immediately without question agreed. Satan's flames disappeared into the cave ground, and left where the flames stood, a puddle with a cloth in it! Albert grabbed at it, thinking it must be some sort of armor cloth... he was wrong. Instead, he found it was the softest cloth he had ever felt! Albert took off his garments and dropped them in. They came out softer than even the cloth had been! Satan had given him Fabric Softener!

Albert immediately began its swift distribution. He found the chemical composition of the Fabric Softener with his scientific instruments and mass produced it. He made millions, then billions, then trillions, then zillions... there was no end! After he was richer than he could imagine, remembering his agreement, he bought planes, boats, helicopters and trucks... and he dumped the liquid into every body of water from oceans to puddles!

Little did the world know... Satan was smiling from the Underworld. The next year, they gathered for their world ceremony at the foot of the Azur Mountains to pay tribute to the Sword. It was a cloudy, chilly and eerie morning. There was a huge clap of thunder and then... buckets and buckets of rain! The world looked up to the Sword and they couldn’t believe their eyes... the metals were bending! The Sword was decaying! It was slowly becoming a puddle! People rushed up the mountain to cover it, but when they arrived, it was too late. The Sword was destroyed. It lay in a puddle of mercury and iron, never to be seen in its former glory ever again.

Without the Sword, the infamous Year of Chaos began. The world became disunited without the Sword. Wars sprung across the Earth. The world fell into disarray. Nations and civilizations crumbled. The world seemed doomed.

But there was hope. A former schoolmate of Albert Curon, a wise, old, and respected American scientist named Colonel Johnson of the military forces of the United Nations of Earth, decided to set about finding out what happened. He secretly took a sample of the rain, the Sword, and set to work.

Col. Johnson secretly called an international panel of scientists together to release his findings. A delegate scientist from each nation that had survived the Year of Chaos came together. Col. Johnson revealed what had happened. He described how the Fabric Softener had become one with the Earth’s water systems, and during evaporation, it rose to the atmosphere where it condensed. When it rained down, it was the perfect catalyst for the decay of the Sword!

The scientists all studied the liquid, and traced certain elements to a cave in the mountains of Rorshach, Switzerland. They traveled there, and they found traces of the Fabric Softener. Interestingly, they also found burns mixed in with all traces of the liquid! They examined the burns and found that these were not Earthly burns... they knew what had happened. These burns were the burns of Satan! Satan had brought this chemical... this Fabric Softener was all part of his plan! A look at Albert Curon’s documents they found in the cave affirmed the panel’s suspicions. They knew what they had to do.

After learning of Satan’s plot to ruin Earth, the secret panel of scientists became the protectors of unity. They convinced their governments to stop the fighting, but they kept Satan’s plot a secret. They hired a mercenary, Andre Weldy, to assassinate Albert Curon and destroy the remaining production facilities of the Fabric Softener. Then, they went to work trying to piece together a way to remake the Sword. They found that they needed a power from a holy source... they needed the legendary New Jersey Tomato.

Col. Johnson was too old, but he had two outstanding students that were perfect for the job, Arthur Fruchtman and Chris Adell. They were dedicated to restoring unity and happiness in the world and they were some of his most intelligent students. He sent for them from his base in New Jersey. He sent them to train in Idaho under the cover of "potato farmers." When Andre had completed his mission, and the time was right to begin the quest for the Tomato, he called Arthur, Chris, and Andre back to the New Jersey Base. They climbed aboard planes and set out for New Jersey, but Satan conjured up storms to stop them!

Arthur and Chris had to crash land in Wayne, Pennsylvania. So that Satan could not find them, they stole the uniforms of two local military school cadets and they disguised themselves by assuming the roles of the two cadets at the military school. Col. Johnson learned of this and immediately enrolled there as a teacher. They would have to begin their quest from there.

Andre Weldy disappeared on his way back to the New Jersey Base after destroying the last factory in Brazil. He was supposed to meet Arthur and Chris and join their party, but now he could be anywhere! His last contact was made somewhere in Virginia. Andre has valuable information about fighting Satan’s minions of possessed creatures and is the fiercest fighter in the group.

There are many allies in the quest! Locals from our military school who wish for the military to once again be the glorious military of Earth and not just America, citizens who want to end the fighting, and other allies who believe in unity and seek to rebuild the Sword!