pregnant.

http://www.target.com/gp/detail.html/601-2172646-4273732?_encoding=UTF8&frombrowse=1&asin=B0000635WI

buy me this when im pregnant with your baby, asshole.

6 Comments

penal.

so tonight i got pulled over after i picked some kids up in the rain. the cop pretty clearly couldnt articulate what i did illegal, other than to ramble yelling about how i was driving like i was drunk or something...

heres the deal...

c: what the hell are you doing?! do you have an excuse for driving like that?
$: picking up my friends in the rain. no need for all of us to get wet.
c: oh, by making an illegal uturn (not true) and running a red light?! (not true either.)
$: well the way i see it- (notice question mark at the end of his sentence. must have been rhetorical. silly me.)
c: i dont care how you see it! have you been drinking?
$: (giggle) nope.
c: do you always drive like this when youre sober?
$: huh? umm... not usually? (thats a leading question.)
c: not usually huh? i sure hope not! (storms off with my shit i passed whilst talking.)

so he returns and says the usual formal crap and gives me a summons charging me with...

§ 46.2-893. Improper stopping to take on or discharge cargo or passengers. (thats whats written anyway.)

so i got home and looked it up. here it is written correctly...

§ 46.2-893. Stopping on highways to discharge cargo or passengers; school buses.

No truck or bus, except a school bus, shall be stopped wholly or partially on the traveled portion of any highway outside of cities and towns for the purpose of taking on or discharging cargo or passengers unless the operator cannot leave the traveled portion of the highway with safety. A school bus may be stopped on the traveled portion of the highway when taking on or discharging school children, but these stops shall be made only at points where the bus can be clearly seen for a safe distance from both directions.

(Code 1950, § 46-257; 1950, p. 941; 1956, c. 505; 1958, c. 541, § 46.1-250; 1960, c. 256; 1989, c. 727.)

apparantly this law is for busses and the highway. even if its not, it still doesnt seem to apply to me.

so now i have to wake up at 9 am on some thursday to deal with the state and its stupid fuckup agents. sigh. hopefully i dont get sentenced to 30 days in jail for a traffic offense again.

8 Comments

somewhere.

so i went to phoenix and la! it was saucy. i got free dental work and new lease on valhalla.

airplanes are fun. and so is the spanish civil war if youre a warrior spirit. man your battlestations! (well have you dead pretty soon.) but youll die strong, in right wing fashion.

speaking of fashion, ive officially decided im at the center of every trend ever in the universe ever. those big butt things on victorian bitches? yeh that was me. i started doing it for my posture and it just blossomed from there.

heres another thing. im competent! in a nice life, put the spider in you. you live a nice life with the spider in you. arachnophobia! disregard that you live a nice life with the spider in you.

hey guys... want to see my colon?

:

perverts.

speaking of perversion, you know whats fucked up? salmonilla poisoning. heres what i think of when i hear the word salmonilla.

(.. )<

be strong! in right wing fashion! you fascist.

ok heres a plan...

1. eat the graham crackers.
2. vomit.
3. regret everything.
4. celebrate your humanity by clinging to the fuselage while singing madonna.
5. repeat.

did you know that once i had a cd made for me called "inspirational hymns to get the fuck over yourself"? it was nice, but i didnt get over shit. nor do i really know what im supposed to get over. (just kidding... i know.)

so heres a dilemma... so lets assume that value can be objectively measured... not that anyone can ever actually account for all the factors but they are out there. like if you were a god and somehow could account for every factor, you would be able to always order your preferences from best to worst based on cost benefit payoff shit, (to include expected value based on risk). now should pleasure be a factor in the value or not? like what if you know something is the best value, like flying a plane instead of a car... but you just dont like it. lets say its for images sake, you just think cars are so much cooler, not for any rational reason. or maybe its a fear of flying. irrational again, you know the probability of harm is higher driving than flying. but youre scared anyway and thus will be super miserable flying... so yeh... whats the "right" thing to do? when talking about objective values, are irrational emotions allowed in the account?

given all that, so maybe just maybe my wierdnesses that maybe i should get over are things i dont want to change just because i think theyre kind of cool, irrationally so. but no one has been able to argue me to a corner to convince me of that. (the people who say it are usually not the argumentative types.) anyway im on plane and i like how the world actually looks pretty fucking organized from up here.

heres the deal... the first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one... but what if i like this? i mean... its efficient and fun. (which we all know are mutually exclusive.)

so i think i accidentally convinced someone that i really believe efficiency and fun are mutually exclusive. apparently they didnt know me well enough to tell if i was joking or not.

lets fix this...

for illustrative purposes here are some things that are indeed mutually exclusive...

1. paul hiatt and gorillas. not to be confused with the gorilla banana theft scene in "under no circumstances: the paul hiatt saga."
2. autobiographies and coolness. if you were cool enough, someone else wouldve written shit about you. so fuck you.
3. salmon and dinosaurs. if the two were meant to live together, god wouldve put them together. you know, because god controls everything... right?... ... ... wow for a second there i felt my entire universe collapsing under a terrible weight. but i said a prayer and i feel better now.
4. how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? i think that pretty much just abrubtly ended this list/tangent because i realized explaining myself is worthless. (you know... hitler said the same thing.)

so heres an idea. back in the day i used to write a lot of psychobabble (ill post one for you later). im pretty sure i could write a hundred or more pages of rambling muses that would contain a lot of comedic gems, the only problem is, am i the only one that finds them funny? whatever. im going to write a book. if you dont like it, ill pee on you and maybe get a little on myself in the process. man i really want to pee on someone right now... sigh... (lovestruck.)

ok its over. go away.

2 Comments

party time.

party at my house on... some night... ok copy and past facebook invite.

Global

Information

..> ..> ..>..>

Event Info

Name:	sacrifice lauren hayden to the dragon.
Tagline:	the dragon is hungry!
Host:	council for robot human cooperation on condiment creation
Type:	Party - Slumber Party

..> ..> ..>..>

Time and Place

Start Time:	Saturday, February 24, 2007 at 10:05pm
End Time:	Sunday, February 25, 2007 at 5:35am
Location:	my house!
Street:	1122b john street (directions)
City:	charlottesville, VA

..> ..> ..>..>

Contact Info

Phone:	703.929.5180
Email:	smashkanthegreat@aim.com

Description

half lauren haydens birthday, half dragon feast. no oatmeal packets allowed in. dont bring them or ill throw you out and you wont get to meet the dragon. bring all your friends (unless they have oatmeal.)

i suppose if you forget that you have an oatmeal packet in your pocket or accidentally bring a friend that brought an oatmeal packet because they just didnt know any better, you can stand outside and eat it really quick and then come in, but that could give you a tummy ache and then youd be screwed because tummy aches are the worst. the absolute worst! am i right? (nudge nudge.) right? ... ... ...

and hey. dont make fun of the drawing. it probably took someone a long time. you wouldnt want people to laugh at you if you did something that took a really long time, would you? i didnt think so.

oh and one more thing. there wont be a dragon because dragons dont exist and you should know that by now, but if you didnt then you should thank me, because i had to learn the hard way. (wow, thats a really long sentence.) but yeh. it was really hard.

ok so yeh. woah this font is really big just like my heart! (giggle giggle.)

efficiency.

smashkans new and improved roadmap for the middle east...

so lets just acknowledge whats up in the middle east. iran and quasi shia alawite syria is sucking and fucking up everything everywhere. its the plo/fatah, lebanons gov, iraqs insurgency, the us, and israel fighting a bunch of little proxy wars against iran. in palestine, its the plo/fatah fighting irans little syrian protected hamas bitches. in lebanon, its the suni/phalangist government fighting irans syrian backed little hezbollah bitches. in iraq, its iraqs suni insurgents fighting irans little mahdi army (muqtada al-sadr)/badr brigade (sciri) bitches.

this puts the us and israel in a funky fresh position because to confront a nuclear armed iran and the shia arc, they will de facto support the plo/fatah in palestine, and the insurgency in iraq. weird, but kind of cool. well basically, why doesnt everyone just acknowledge that and go with it? now acknowledging all that, heres how shit goes down...

step one: fuck up those iranian gayasses by cementing the alliance.

the us and europe give turkey eu membership and favorable terms in cyprus in exchange for chilling the fuck out and letting kurdistan go. similarly, the us and the kurds give iraqs insurgency kirkuk in exchange for chilling the fuck out and letting kurdistan go and allying against those iranian bitches in the shia south. yeh this would dissolve iraq, but lets stop kidding ourselves, that shits fucked anyway.

now youve got the us, kurdistan, iraqs suni insurgency, and turkey down with the alliance. onward to the holy land!

so basically my deal fucks over israel. (who wouldve thought?!) whatevs. the us threatens to pull support for israel unless israel agrees to go along with the plan. theyve got noone, so theyll listen. israel feigns defeat against the lebanonese army and the plo so that public support for hezbollah and hamas shifts to lebanons government and the plo. the lebanese army invades shebaa and israel retreats, no fight, no casualties. the plo (abu mazn aka mahmoud abbas) declares independence and statehood under his control in the 1967 borders with us backing, and israel feigns being forced to accept it in the west bank, but israel covertly supports the plo against hamas in gaza by refusing to acknowledge the hamas controlled gaza strip, making it obvious that gaza would become part of an independent palestine if the plo makes short work of hamas there. it should be easy because if hamas chooses to fight against the plo, theyll have to do it with little or no public support.

ok now youve got the plo, lebanon, and israel down with the alliance.

so youve got the alliance solidified. iranian gayasses plus their little bitches in red, the forces of awesomeness/unlikely alliance (plo+lebanon+iraq insurgency+us+israel) in blue.

step 2: start a war.

so now you amass troops to get ready for the assault on iranian gayasses plus their little bitches! woot. amass your troops and prepare to invade.

it all starts when kurdistan declares independence and statehood with turkish and suni iraqi consent. iran and their syrian alawite bitches will probably retaliate by clamping down on their kurds or outright retaliate against kurdistan, and so kurdistan will respond with the peshmerga fucking them up and invading kurdish iran and syria to liberate their comrades. in the off chance the gayasses dont retaliate, whatever, invade anyway to liberate and unify all of kurdistan.

step 3: invading the little bitches.

israel uses the syrian-kurdish war as a cassus belli and invades syria from the golan heights in the south to help their kurdish allies. israelis and kurds fuck shit up until they meet in the middle and high five, fucking up all of the hamas leadership in exile on the way, so the plo invades gaza and fucks up hamas while their leadership is all in disarray. the lebanese army simultaneously invades southern lebanon and disarms/fucks up hezbollah, now totally cutoff from iranian/syrian support by isreal.

step 4: invade the main gayasses.

the us uses the iranian-kurdish war as a cassus belli and invades iran simultaneously through afghanistan and through suni iraq to help their kurdish allies, cutting iran off from its bitches in iraq. simultaneously, the us and the sunis should fuck them now cutoff iraqi/iranian bitches up (aka al-sadr and the mahdi army, the sciri and the badr brigades) and continue on to iranian arabistan and take irans oil while adding arabistan to an eventual future iraq without shia (or any sectarian) political parties. the kurds, iraqs sunis, and the us afghan invasion and iraqi invasion all meet up and high five in the middle (like tehran or something), destroying nuclear facilities on the way.

step 5: rock out with your cock out and redraw the map.

kurdistan is liberated and united. theyre already democratic and shit... no changes to government needed here, just let them govern all their fellow kurds.

israel offers to permenantly let go of the shebaa farms for permanent peace and normalized relations with lebanon, and lebanon accepts.

israel offers the portion of what used to be syria it captures in helping the kurds to palestine in exchange for a permanent peace agreement and normalized relations. the plo begrudgingly accepts this to be viewed as the liberator of the last arabs under occupation. israel now lives in peace and security with all its neighbors.

the us and the league of arab states sets up an electoral commission made up of a few prominent secularists that regulates to ensure no sectarian (aka, no islamist) political parties are allowed to form/run in elections.

this commission runs new elections in iran. it also holds new elections in iraq (which without sectarian or islamist parties, is naturally biased for the alliance's suni buddies, now without kurdistan but plus arabistan). it also oversees new elections in palestine (now huge).

everyone rocks out in kurdistan (yellow) and palestine (neon green) and israel and iraq. and those shia islamist iranian gayasses cry after democratic elections are held in iran with no islamist parties allowed.

word.

oh and chad and egypt back an sla takeover in sudan in exchange for the halaib triangle for good measure. oh and etheopia kill somlias islamists. oh wait, they already did that. (fuck yeah.)

p.s. this is a terrible idea inspired by a joke on elliotts blog but now ive spent too much time on it to deal with the self esteem implications on having spent this much time on a terrible joke.

p.p.s. this map totally destroys eritrea. whatever... they get france.

silly poo...

Arkansas State Constitution, Article 19 Section 1 ("Miscellaneous Provisions")
No person who denies the being of a God shall hold any office in the civil departments of this State, nor be competent to testify as a witness in any court.

Maryland's Declaration of Rights, Article 36
"That as it is the duty of every man to worship God in such manner as he thinks most acceptable to Him, all persons are equally entitled to protection in their religious liberty; wherefore, no person ought by any law to be molested in his person or estate, on account of his religious persuasion, or profession, or for his religious practice, unless, under the color of religion, he shall disturb the good order, peace or safety of the State, or shall infringe the laws of morality, or injure others in their natural, civil or religious rights; nor ought any person to be compelled to frequent, or maintain, or contribute, unless on contract, to maintain, any place of worship, or any ministry; nor shall any person, otherwise competent, be deemed incompetent as a witness, or juror, on account of his religious belief; provided, he believes in the existence of God, and that under His dispensation such person will be held morally accountable for his acts, and be rewarded or punished therefore either in this world or in the world to come."

Massachusetts' State Constitution, Article 3
"Any every denomination of Christians, demeaning themselves peaceably, and as good subjects of the commonwealth, shall be equally under the protection of the law: and no subordination of any one sect or denomination to another shall ever be established by law."

Mississippi State Constitution. Article 14 ("General Provisions"), Section 265
No person who denies the existence of a Supreme Being shall hold any office in this state.

North Carolina's State Constitution, Article 6 Section 8
"Disqualifications of office. The following persons shall be disqualified for office: First, any person who shall deny the being of Almighty God."

Pennsylvania's State Constitution, Article 1 Section 4
"No person who acknowledges the being of a God and a future state of rewards and punishments shall, on account of his religious sentiments, be disqualified to hold any office or place of trust or profit under this Commonwealth."

South Carolina's State Constitution, Article 4 Section 2
"No person shall be eligible to the office of Governor who denies the existence of the Supreme Being; ..."

Tennessee's State Constitution, Article 9 Section 2
"No person who denies the being of God, or a future state of rewards and punishments, shall hold any office in the civil department of this state."

Texas' State Constitution, Article 1 Section 4
"No religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office, or public trust, in this State; nor shall any one be excluded from holding office on account of his religious sentiments, provided he acknowledge the existence of a Supreme Being."

who wants candy?!?!?! (wiggle wiggle.)

8 Comments