Wednesday, January 31, 2007


smashkans new and improved roadmap for the middle east...

so lets just acknowledge whats up in the middle east. iran and quasi shia alawite syria is sucking and fucking up everything everywhere. its the plo/fatah, lebanons gov, iraqs insurgency, the us, and israel fighting a bunch of little proxy wars against iran. in palestine, its the plo/fatah fighting irans little syrian protected hamas bitches. in lebanon, its the suni/phalangist government fighting irans syrian backed little hezbollah bitches. in iraq, its iraqs suni insurgents fighting irans little mahdi army (muqtada al-sadr)/badr brigade (sciri) bitches.

this puts the us and israel in a funky fresh position because to confront a nuclear armed iran and the shia arc, they will de facto support the plo/fatah in palestine, and the insurgency in iraq. weird, but kind of cool. well basically, why doesnt everyone just acknowledge that and go with it? now acknowledging all that, heres how shit goes down...

step one: fuck up those iranian gayasses by cementing the alliance.

the us and europe give turkey eu membership and favorable terms in cyprus in exchange for chilling the fuck out and letting kurdistan go. similarly, the us and the kurds give iraqs insurgency kirkuk in exchange for chilling the fuck out and letting kurdistan go and allying against those iranian bitches in the shia south. yeh this would dissolve iraq, but lets stop kidding ourselves, that shits fucked anyway.

now youve got the us, kurdistan, iraqs suni insurgency, and turkey down with the alliance. onward to the holy land!

so basically my deal fucks over israel. (who wouldve thought?!) whatevs. the us threatens to pull support for israel unless israel agrees to go along with the plan. theyve got noone, so theyll listen. israel feigns defeat against the lebanonese army and the plo so that public support for hezbollah and hamas shifts to lebanons government and the plo. the lebanese army invades shebaa and israel retreats, no fight, no casualties. the plo (abu mazn aka mahmoud abbas) declares independence and statehood under his control in the 1967 borders with us backing, and israel feigns being forced to accept it in the west bank, but israel covertly supports the plo against hamas in gaza by refusing to acknowledge the hamas controlled gaza strip, making it obvious that gaza would become part of an independent palestine if the plo makes short work of hamas there. it should be easy because if hamas chooses to fight against the plo, theyll have to do it with little or no public support.

ok now youve got the plo, lebanon, and israel down with the alliance.

so youve got the alliance solidified. iranian gayasses plus their little bitches in red, the forces of awesomeness/unlikely alliance (plo+lebanon+iraq insurgency+us+israel) in blue.

step 2: start a war.

so now you amass troops to get ready for the assault on iranian gayasses plus their little bitches! woot. amass your troops and prepare to invade.

it all starts when kurdistan declares independence and statehood with turkish and suni iraqi consent. iran and their syrian alawite bitches will probably retaliate by clamping down on their kurds or outright retaliate against kurdistan, and so kurdistan will respond with the peshmerga fucking them up and invading kurdish iran and syria to liberate their comrades. in the off chance the gayasses dont retaliate, whatever, invade anyway to liberate and unify all of kurdistan.

step 3: invading the little bitches.

israel uses the syrian-kurdish war as a cassus belli and invades syria from the golan heights in the south to help their kurdish allies. israelis and kurds fuck shit up until they meet in the middle and high five, fucking up all of the hamas leadership in exile on the way, so the plo invades gaza and fucks up hamas while their leadership is all in disarray. the lebanese army simultaneously invades southern lebanon and disarms/fucks up hezbollah, now totally cutoff from iranian/syrian support by isreal.

step 4: invade the main gayasses.

the us uses the iranian-kurdish war as a cassus belli and invades iran simultaneously through afghanistan and through suni iraq to help their kurdish allies, cutting iran off from its bitches in iraq. simultaneously, the us and the sunis should fuck them now cutoff iraqi/iranian bitches up (aka al-sadr and the mahdi army, the sciri and the badr brigades) and continue on to iranian arabistan and take irans oil while adding arabistan to an eventual future iraq without shia (or any sectarian) political parties. the kurds, iraqs sunis, and the us afghan invasion and iraqi invasion all meet up and high five in the middle (like tehran or something), destroying nuclear facilities on the way.

step 5: rock out with your cock out and redraw the map.

kurdistan is liberated and united. theyre already democratic and shit... no changes to government needed here, just let them govern all their fellow kurds.

israel offers to permenantly let go of the shebaa farms for permanent peace and normalized relations with lebanon, and lebanon accepts.

israel offers the portion of what used to be syria it captures in helping the kurds to palestine in exchange for a permanent peace agreement and normalized relations. the plo begrudgingly accepts this to be viewed as the liberator of the last arabs under occupation. israel now lives in peace and security with all its neighbors.

the us and the league of arab states sets up an electoral commission made up of a few prominent secularists that regulates to ensure no sectarian (aka, no islamist) political parties are allowed to form/run in elections.

this commission runs new elections in iran. it also holds new elections in iraq (which without sectarian or islamist parties, is naturally biased for the alliance's suni buddies, now without kurdistan but plus arabistan). it also oversees new elections in palestine (now huge).

everyone rocks out in kurdistan (yellow) and palestine (neon green) and israel and iraq. and those shia islamist iranian gayasses cry after democratic elections are held in iran with no islamist parties allowed.


oh and chad and egypt back an sla takeover in sudan in exchange for the halaib triangle for good measure. oh and etheopia kill somlias islamists. oh wait, they already did that. (fuck yeah.)

p.s. this is a terrible idea inspired by a joke on elliotts blog but now ive spent too much time on it to deal with the self esteem implications on having spent this much time on a terrible joke.

p.p.s. this map totally destroys eritrea. whatever... they get france.

silly poo...

Arkansas State Constitution, Article 19 Section 1 ("Miscellaneous Provisions")
No person who denies the being of a God shall hold any office in the civil departments of this State, nor be competent to testify as a witness in any court.

Maryland's Declaration of Rights, Article 36
"That as it is the duty of every man to worship God in such manner as he thinks most acceptable to Him, all persons are equally entitled to protection in their religious liberty; wherefore, no person ought by any law to be molested in his person or estate, on account of his religious persuasion, or profession, or for his religious practice, unless, under the color of religion, he shall disturb the good order, peace or safety of the State, or shall infringe the laws of morality, or injure others in their natural, civil or religious rights; nor ought any person to be compelled to frequent, or maintain, or contribute, unless on contract, to maintain, any place of worship, or any ministry; nor shall any person, otherwise competent, be deemed incompetent as a witness, or juror, on account of his religious belief; provided, he believes in the existence of God, and that under His dispensation such person will be held morally accountable for his acts, and be rewarded or punished therefore either in this world or in the world to come."

Massachusetts' State Constitution, Article 3
"Any every denomination of Christians, demeaning themselves peaceably, and as good subjects of the commonwealth, shall be equally under the protection of the law: and no subordination of any one sect or denomination to another shall ever be established by law."

Mississippi State Constitution. Article 14 ("General Provisions"), Section 265
No person who denies the existence of a Supreme Being shall hold any office in this state.

North Carolina's State Constitution, Article 6 Section 8
"Disqualifications of office. The following persons shall be disqualified for office: First, any person who shall deny the being of Almighty God."

Pennsylvania's State Constitution, Article 1 Section 4
"No person who acknowledges the being of a God and a future state of rewards and punishments shall, on account of his religious sentiments, be disqualified to hold any office or place of trust or profit under this Commonwealth."

South Carolina's State Constitution, Article 4 Section 2
"No person shall be eligible to the office of Governor who denies the existence of the Supreme Being; ..."

Tennessee's State Constitution, Article 9 Section 2
"No person who denies the being of God, or a future state of rewards and punishments, shall hold any office in the civil department of this state."

Texas' State Constitution, Article 1 Section 4
"No religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office, or public trust, in this State; nor shall any one be excluded from holding office on account of his religious sentiments, provided he acknowledge the existence of a Supreme Being."

who wants candy?!?!?! (wiggle wiggle.)